Tinsley Blog

12 things I am excited about for 2012

2012-01-04T23:45:00.000-08:00

Here are 12 things I am looking forward to this year in no particular order.

1. Getting to know my family. Since we are done having kids I am looking forward to figuring out our family and how we function.

2. Going through a very painful and honest look at marriage with our church. Hey if it doesn't hurt then it's not worth it right??

3. Going away for the weekend to see Wicked with 2 of my dearest and closest friends! I have wanted to see this show for 3 years and I am so excited to finally get to see it!

4. Stepping into a new ministry that honestly terrifies me and I can't understand why God wants me in it but He seems to and He knows more about everything then I do.

5. Knowing that everyday Jesus will still be there to cover me when I fail.

6. Learning to make cream & wine sauces from scratch. For some reason I have always been freaked about it and want to figure it out.

7. Watching Tessa learn to all her firsts. She is my last baby and watching her do all these things make my heart so happy and a little sad. But she brings joy to my heart so I am excited to see them all!

8.To learn more about who this little man is God has given me. His personality is bursting through right now! He is so funny and sweet and ALL boy.

9. To meet some new babies that belong to some of my loveliest friends!

10. Sleeping through the night. Seriously...you have no idea....

11. Christmas in Disneyland.

12. That no matter what happens in my marriage, my parenting, my friendships, my skills, my ministry, my cooking, God will remain the same and Jesus will have already conquered the sin. He isn't waiting for me and that is hope because I am pretty lousy about getting things finished :)

busy, busy, busy

2012-01-04T23:18:00.000-08:00

I don't know why I thought I wasn't busy before having five kids but some how there is just never extra time these days and any "extra" time is actually borrowed time from something else that needs tending. It keeps me humble I suppose with the near constant daily reminder that I am only making it through Jesus and Jesus alone. We did a lot of fun things in December and I kept thinking I will blog about them later (who knows maybe I will) but by the end of the week I was wiped out and trying to remember what happened that week. Trust me though fun was had and good things were done.

I have been thinking of how I to write up last year....I doesn't seem to have the right words. It seems to be an opposite kind of year. On one side of the coin it was the most painful, saddest, hurtful, scary year I have been through. On the other side of the coin it was beautiful, joyous, full of grace, learning, and wonderful memories. I am still confused about how I could have gained and lost so much at the same time. One thing I know to the core of who I am is that Jesus has made each of my days and knows each of my pains and joys. For that I am truly grateful! He brought us through it and made us stronger through Him with it.

So I guess all I can say is 2011 you kind of sucked and you kind of rocked! God only knows how it all works out. I wouldn't go back and change it though. Through it all Jesus has remained the same and for a girl who hates changes of any kind I truly am grateful!

look at how much they have grown!!

2011-12-01T14:39:00.000-08:00

at about 2-3 months, Beck, Magnus, Wesley & Chaucer

ann now at a year and half Wesley, Beck, Chaucer, and Magnus!

I can't belive how big they all are! Time has gone by so fast. We sure are lucky mamas :)

Thanksfulness

2011-11-23T15:23:00.000-08:00

I am beyond blessed :)

This year a simple list will have to do, as I am short on time always and long on things that need to be done. Just know the list is nothing close to simple and every thing on it could have pages written of thankfulness.

I don't think there are any 2 other kids who are as joyful as these 2 to snuggle

1. Jesus. Always, always, always, ALWAYS. Jesus.
2. Marriage to Jim because it is far from easy and God humbles through it everyday.
3. Each of the 5 kids who God has given. Saphyre, Olivia, Abigail, Chaucer and Tessa.
4. A chance to pray everyday.
5. That I can always go back to the cross and that I can never escape it.
6. Alicia, one of my favorite people.
7. Jordan, the little brother I always wanted.
8. Sylvia & Sarah, two girls I love so much.
9. The Geddis family, friends that are family, really what's better then that.
10. A year of new friends who have shown me an abundance of grace.

My tiny.

11. Coconut.
12. The pain that comes from the refining fire.
13. The relief that comes from realizing I am covered by the HOLY SPIRIT while in the fire.
14. Mint M & M's
15. A little outfit with a duck, a frog and a bear. Each of my little babies has worn it and now it rests on the last one.
16. Hot showers.
17. Moments of silence.
18. That the silence never lasts :)
19. A chance to study Philippians with a friend.

My boys!

20. The Bible.
21. New Socks.
22. Rain, rainy grey days.
23. A renewed hope in moments I feared to be lost.
24. That God is the one who keeps us and not the other way around.
25. Delicious food!
26. That this year I understand Jesus more and His Word seems more clear.
27. The promise that if I stay on His path next year I will have the same.
28. Hand Turkeys.
29. My friends I don't get to see as much now who hold one of the dearest spots in my heart. That's a shout out to all my Everett friends :)

Excited to be with on a Sunday.

30. True rest
31. The smiles of Tessa.
33. That moment when all the kids play together happily.
34. That we always have the basics and more.
35. Brown Purses.
36. Redemption Group and the RG leaders, some of the wisest and best people I have ever had the privilege of knowing and serving with.
37. Journals, especially new beautiful ones.
38. Laughing, the kind that make you cry and feel good the next day when you remember it.
39. Grace because without it I am a lost lonely girl with nowhere to call home.
40. Jesus, again always because it all starts and ends with Jesus.

One of my favorite pictures!

"Best" year ever!

2011-11-15T13:29:00.000-08:00

God has the best sense of humor. He took something that I wanted my whole life and made into the best joke for me to laugh at. For almost has far as I can remember I have looked forward to my 28th birthday, even before I knew what "golden birthdays" were. Meaning I turned 28 on January 28th this year. I have literally felt the biggest excitement over that birthday since I was about 6 or so. Something about this age seemed so perfect and somehow I knew amazing and wonderful things would happen......that isn't exactly how I would describe this year. It has had wonderful moments and great amazing things. Honestly though I am now desperately looking forward to 29 so I will be done with 28.

This year has been really really hard. One of the greatest things also caused a lot of sickness. Being pregnant with Tessa meant I spent nine of these months feeling sick, horribly tired, worn out and in pain. Jim lost his job for seven months out of this year. I was deeply hurt by people I would have called friends. I was stripped of comfort and security. I spent a lot of time lonely and confused. Due to changes at our church some people I love dearly and enjoyed serving with were let go and everything seemed so different. My kids seemed to start a revolution against me and fight me on everything. Ministry had a very dark and sucky period. Jim needed me to be stronger when all I felt like I had was the ability to fall apart. Our church sent out another church into Everett and with went some of the people I love the most and some of the dearest and closest friends I have ever had. After Tessa came everyday was a struggle to even make it through the day. I was in pain and more tired then I had ever been before. As I told God several times, there was simply too much and one of us was wrong because I could simply not handle any more of anything, yet more kept coming and I kept breaking.

You see that is where the best year of my life lay, in those words. "I kept breaking." On paper this last year has way more in the "bad" category. Lots of hard, hurtful and sad things have come. With each one more and more of me broke. I lost my grip on everything. I could not hold anything together. Emotionally I was a wreck and cried a lot. Somewhere along the way those tears only had Jesus to fall on. By His design it was a season where I had fewer people to rely on. For many different reasons but in those lonely hard moments He whispered to me and held me. It all seemed so grey at the time, my guess is so I couldn't "fix" anything, now it rings so clear to me. How He made this year to show me Himself on a whole other level. If I break it down then it's beyond easy to see what meant what and why it happened in the order it did. He perfectly and wonderfully planned for "my best year ever" to be one of the hardest and most painful years I have every had.

There was and is a sweetness to this year. He has met me in every moment and been there in every one of those moments. When Jim lost his job, we had no idea what we were going to do. There was no money for anything, bills, food, gas, anything.Yet we never went without anything. In fact we had a more "income" then we did when Jim had a job. People brought us meals for 2 months, we got countless groceries, gift cards for other things, diapers, on top of cash and checks people would deliver to us (always the amount we needed) God showed me He would never let us go without what we needed. He showed me how much Faith I really had in Him. I never quit on Him and hid away. I kept my head down and trusted him. I had moments of panic and times of fear. With the loss of Jim's job alone I felt like I could add this up to one of the hardest years, the amount of stress, annoyance and faith it takes to get through it I wouldn't want to go through it again. My heart overflows with what God showed us through it though. How when the rubber met the road we knew who cared and we knew who didn't. We could see the faithfulness of God's people He had given us. People we barely knew took care of us because of the cross and that is something I would learn 1 million times again.

There have literally been times this year that I felt like I was going to collapse under the weight of all the pain I felt. God forced me to look in the eye idols I was holding onto. He forced me to admit how much I truly care about my own reputation. That I will and have sacrificed His Truth so people wouldn't think ill of me. In the end people still thought poorly of me. People accused me of sin and intentionally hurting them. I cried out to Christ, He whispered back I told you to go farther and you quit. I stopped pushing people because I didn't want to "offend" of hurt them. In the end I didn't point them to Christ. It's a great regret I have. I wish I had push people more and spoken more boldly and plainly about their sin and not let them weasel around it. Through it though He still met me. He still showed up. He would not use my mistake to leave scars and tear me down like people do. He would use the mistakes to teach and humble my heart. To show me how much more He has in store for me, to strike down the idols that stand in front of Him in my heart. He is a jealous God and I have learned to be grateful for His swift and righteous teaching. I have also learned to be grateful for His slow, burning away kind of teaching.

There are to many specific examples to use to explain how much more I trust Him then I did a year ago. The losses, the gains, the gifts, all of it. Dark moments of doubt. Bright moments of encouragement. His hand is in it all. He has brought me new deeper relationships with people I never expected to be friends with. People who are wise and loving. He has brought me women to correct me gently and to encourage me with His truth. He has reestablished friendships that I ignored and wasted. Showed me that I gave way to much to people, in the sense of I need to first give myself to Him and not empty myself out worrying about others and how they like me or don't like me. He tamed the wild little girl in my heart. You see I have never been "wild" as I do too much or go too far in my actions but I have learned I have the heart of an untamed wild animal. I thrash about and rarely trust the ones taking the greatest care of me. I attack and defend rather then receive and accept. My instinct says to hide and that I can't trust anyone or anything. The world says that I am independent. The Bible is more accurate in that it calls me a fool. If you have ever seen a hurt, wounded, stupid animal they back away and will refuse help. That is me. I am wounded, hurt, and vulnerable. I am willfully disobedient. God reaches out and I lash out. He is gentle and calm and I am wild and a raging storm. My heart is weak it craves the things of my flesh. He sat and waited for me to be ready. Gently taking each idol from me.

It hurt. It hurt deep. I couldn't see how tightly I held onto these idols and so they were deeply tied into my heart that the only was to remove them would cause some pain. I learned how patient He really is. How much He simply and sweetly waits on us. Always knowing how it will go and what it will take to tame our wild hearts. So this is why this year has sucked. It was painful and full of hard things to walk through.

Here is why it was the best year of my life. Through every tear, through every sad and lonely moment, through every frustration, through every annoying thing God was there. I have never felt this close to Him or understood Him so well. My heart and soul feel rested in Him. Even though I feel weary and this battle feels so long I know with all I am that Jesus is real. That His promises are real. He gave Himself up for me. A strong willed, selfish girl with a wild and untamed heart. This year He taught me that He doesn't give up, even when I do. It isn't over. This year isn't even over. The journey and fight isn't over. He has shown me over and over and over again all the blessings I have. He has given me strength that I could never have had without Him. He gave me 5 beautiful children who are constantly humbling me in their innocent and not so innocent ways. He gave me a marriage to learn from and seek repentance in. He gave me HIS SON to DIE for me. I have a lot to be thankful for and I am.

So thanks Jesus the best year. You knew what kind of best it would be for all those years, thanks for waiting until I was ready to give it to me. It was the best birthday present I got.

We now need two hands....

2011-11-04T21:47:00.000-07:00

That's right Olivia Rene Tinsley is 6 years old. I can hardly believe it. She is a wonderful and great little girl. She has a fabulous way of living her life. Olivia has become a little girl who does things in a certain way. She is black and white and lives inside a bow. She gets very frustrated if people carry pretend play too far and refuse to admit that it is pretend, mostly with Abby. She like to know the rules and be able to follow them. Olivia has a wicked sense of humor and great natural timing when it comes to telling a joke. She is very observant and picks up a lot, she also remembers everything. She is a lover of all things sparkly, glittery, fancy and fabulous. She loves cupcakes, sushi, dancing in the car, dresses, anything princess, daddy ice cream dates, playing outside and her Auntie Licia.

I love her so much.

She started kindergarten this year and loves it! She comes everyday talking about everything they did. She likes to explain how they either went to library, recess, gym or music. She loves to do her homework and in fact her teacher and I had to ask her to slow down on it because she was going so fast that her handwriting is suffering. Her teacher told me that Olivia is very quiet in class and doesn't say much but I wasn't really expecting anything different. Olivia is quiet and prefers to take things in. I am proud of her and it still tugs on my heart every morning I drop her off and she walks into the gym by herself.

Always stylish

Over the last year I have seen my girl grow in so many ways and see her wrestle more and more with God. I have seen Him start to break her down. It's a long slow painful process but it is for all of us. Her will is strong but Christ's is stronger. That's where her mama has to live. I have to trust in Christ and trust that He has a plan. I have to believe that I can't do it because when I get off course and start to think I can handle it all things get very bad very quickly. Every day I have to go to my knees and cry out to who he is and trust that He is Truth. Someday when Livie is mama and she feels this way I will be there for her to pray and love her well through it all.

covering herself in glitter

at Auntie and Uncle's wedding in her flower girl dress

so pretty

with her baby sister

love.

1st day of kindergarten

with her big sister

hanging out at Costco with Sarah

riding a pony!

1st lost tooth!!!!

Birthday lunch! Sushi!

with Auntie

with Uncle!

Dear Jesus, break her, break her, break her. Take her will and form it to yours! Let her put aside the longing of her heart that lead her to destruction and death. Let her see truth. God you made this girl. You understand her heart better then anyone. You understand her need for order and her desire to control. You loving Father love her best. You ask me to trust you with her life and heart. I am trying Jesus. Please take her from me when I can't let go. Thank you for this girl whoe pushes me to run to you. You are so wonderful and perfect Lord. Amen.

Dearest sweet Livie! Happy Birthday to you. I love you so much. You are so big and so funny. Everyday I pray for you and ask God to bend your will to His. Your path isn't going to be easy and you will have so many more struggles and pains. One day all these thigns that make you so mad and upset will seem like nothing. Sometime you will be hurt deeply and God will ask you if He is enough. I would give anything to take that pain for you but I can't. He can. Jesus took it all for you and He is what makes it better. I love you everyday. Every moment. I look forward to watching you grow up and seeing who He makes you into to. Love you to pieces Olivia-lu-who!

Happy Halloween-2011!

2011-11-02T23:03:00.000-07:00

This year we went with "easy" at home costumes. The girls were each a fairy for a season.

Tess is a summer fairy and wicked cute!

Saphyre is summer, hers is less pizazz because she isn't into pizazz lately :)

The sparkle queen of winter!

my lovely fall fairy!

Chaucer was an "occupy protesters" It was Jim idea and I thought it was funny. Mostly because the occupy protesters are ridiculous and make no sense. Chaucer even had his "own" IPhone.

He was so cute!

We went trick or treating and Chaucer thought it was pretty awesome that people kept handing him candy :)

2 months!

2011-10-23T23:25:00.000-07:00

Such a beauty!

Tessa Jordan is 2 months old. She is still so tiny and yet when I look at pictures from the 1st month I realize how much she has changed. Let me clear up a few things.

No she doesn't sleep through the night and probably won't for another 2 months. So yes I am very tired pretty much all the time and at some point you just learn to deal with it and function.
Her hair isn't falling out and probably won't but thank you anyway grocery store people.
Another thing grocery store people, I am aware that I have 5 kids and that 4 of them are girls but thanks for checking with me on that.
I don't how I do it either but when I say that I only do it through Jesus you give me "that" look.

Now that's out of the way :) we can move onto more fun things like how ridiculously cute Tessa is! My little girl lights up those sleepy days and makes it so worth it. She has started smiling more and at me . She is a snuggle bug. She prefers to be held and snuggled whenever she is upset. She looks a lot like all of the kids but most people say mostly Abby I think because Tess and Abby have the same nose, it's a very cute button nose. She is just wonderful and I love her. Her eyes are defiantly brown looking, so no green eyed babies for me but I'll take my brown eyed loves.

sleepy eyes

It's funny how different it is now compared to Olivia. I remember feeling completely lost with Olivia and that I didn't know how to do this. Now I still feel completely lost with Olivia and don;t know how to do it but with the newborn it feels "easy" and I mean easy as in I know what I am suppose to do. This is far from easy. I am so tired. I am dealing with so much and trying to figure out how to handle it all. Most days feel like a constant rush to get to the next moment until everything ends for the night and then it feels like nothing actually got done. That's where I am though, learning to let go of all those pretenses of what and who I suppose to be because I have learned those thoughts are what keep me from who God says I am. I arrogantly thought this was going to be easy and a piece of cake because when I had Chaucer it was. It was easy and nothing really changed other then being tired. God wanted me broken and wanted my heart dependant on Him to make it through. That is why I have Tessa. She in herself is easy to handle and take care of but added in to the mix she has made me pray harder and beg God for more then I every have before. It's a new everyday kind of dependence that I haven't experienced before. Learning that and learning how to need Jesus more wasn't what I was expecting when I got pregnant with her, it wasn't what I was thinking over the months of being sick, it wasn't what I wanted in trying to recover and dealing with so much pain, it's not what I thought about in pure exhaustion. It's what He thought about and it's what the Holy Spirit has been leading me too.

Abby loves having a baby sister

Each of my kids has brought different lessons and different blessings. Each one makes me laugh and praise Jesus. Each one of them make me lean more into Him. Saphyre has made me grow in trusting His plan. Olivia has forced me to face my own control issues, Abby has taught me what faith and letting go means, Chaucer has taught me Joy in the face of all things. I will always have a special spot in my heart for my sweet Tessa J who has in her short little life taught me what it means to be on my knees for everything. God is so great and I am humbled to be a mom to these five kids.

Happy two months Tessa! Mama loves you so much!

ready for church!

hanging out with Auntie Licia

so precious

my sweet pumpkin

past 19 months but not 20 yet.

2011-10-02T20:39:00.000-07:00

I meant to post when he hit 19 months but I didn't and then thought I'll just wait until he's 20 months but don't want to forget again. I can't believe how big he is. Not only does he look like a giant boy because of Tessa but he actually had a big growth spurt since the end of August. He was solidly in 9 month clothing and now is in 12 months. Chaucer is the light of most days. Seriously this boy is one of the happiest people I have ever known. Not much can get him down and if he does get down usually a snuggle perks him back up. He has the best smile in the world.

Chaucer's speaking skills have taken off this last month. Seriously since Tessa was born he hasn't really stopped adding words. His first real solid word was "Tekah" (Tessa), now he says: Ball, Dad, hi, bye, "ack" (snack), dog, Ahb (Abby), and a bunch of others that sound like sounds but are words but I can't write them out. His favorite words to say are "ball", I'm not kidding if you see him and he sees anything round he thinks it's a ball and sits there and chants it over and over again. He adores Tessa and always wants to know where she is. He gives her constant kisses. He is a great big brother!

He is also a great little brother. Just the other day he spent the morning copying everything Olivia did. She taught him to spin in circles, dance, pillow fight, and the "fall down game" (which means laughing like crazy and then laying down and laughing more). Whatever the girls are doing he wants to do. He stands at the window and watching them whenever they go outside. He loves to run around and follow them and throw balls at them.

He loves to play with daddy and throw balls at him. He loves spending time with dad. He got to spend an entire day with him a few weeks ago. They went to the fair together and Chaucer ate all day long and seemed very happy about it when he came home. His face lights up when daddy walks through the door! It is wonderful to see how much Chaucer loves Jim but equally wonderful to how much Jim loves his boy.

Chaucer is wonderful. I love, love, love him. I am so grateful for my little handsome squish! I thank Jesus very often for my son. God has been so gracious to bless us with our little man!

Seriously how could you not adore this boy?

so cute and so covered in dirt

sleepy snuggles

One whole month!

2011-09-27T16:26:00.000-07:00

My little tiny baby girl is a month. She has been such a blessing to our lives. She is the sweetest little thing in the world. She is so beautiful and lovely. Tessa seems to be the perfect fit to our family. She brings some calmness to our crazy. I adore every moment I get with her! She isn't a "great sleeper" but she is starting to sleep better, switching her nights back to night and days to days. Her beautiful dark hair is still there, so thanks for all the wisdom people in the grocery store but her hair is still on her head. Her eyes seem to be brown but it's really to early to know for sure. I am still holding out hope she'll get the green/hazel like me. I love my kid's brown eyes but I was hoping one would have mine. I think my chances are slim though :) She is still my tiny little girl and still fits in her newborn sized clothes fine.

My lovely girl!

love her long fingers

sleepy eyes

so pretty

hanging out with Uncle Jordan at his wedding

Married!!

2011-09-27T10:12:00.000-07:00

My lovely friends got married! Jordan and Alicia are now one flesh and made that great covenant under God. It was a beautiful day! It was a joy to be a part of it and hang out with my great friend. The day was filled with lots of laughs, a few joyful tears and wonderful memories.

the tiniest little Tinsley.

2011-09-22T23:05:00.000-07:00

I am blessed to have the most wonderful friend Angie Burke. Seriously this women brings constant encouragement to my life, every conversation usually involves laughter and/or tears. One perk of this friendship is that she is also one of the most amazing photographers ever and likes to give that gift as a present. She gave us a newborn photo shoot as a gift and I was blown away by how beautiful the pictures are. Here are a few of my favorites.

the very dearest of friends.

2011-09-21T22:22:00.000-07:00

Jesus can answer prayers that only my heart can ask for because it seems like too much to actually speak them out loud. I have always wanted that friend that knows me without words or explanation. God has blessed me with several friends over the last few years that have been great and known me well. In the last two years He has given me one of the greatest friends I have ever had. Since I wrote a blog for Jordan I felt it was needed that I write to his soon to be other half too and write down how much she means to me too.

We became friends through Jordan. I remember them coming over to our weekly BBQ's every Wednesday. Usually they would be the last two there and Jordan and Jim would play Wii or some boy thing like that. I didn't think she and I would be friends at first or at least not good friends. She seemed very different from me and like we probably had nothing in common. Turns out we had the awesome ability to make fun of things. That's how it started. Once someone makes me laugh and laughs with me they buy a piece of my heart. See one of the things that has become most important to me in people is knowing they understand funny. Real deep laugh till your bones feel it funny. That always involves laughing at yourself and others. From there friendship came. I guess I have to give credit to Jim too, he was the one who thought she would be a great person to take with us to help us in Disneyland. Since we had literally known her for 3 months I thought it was weird. Turns out she didn't think it was weird and really likes Disneyland too. After being in the car with us for about 20 hours and then she spent a week with me after Chaucer was born it was safe to say that she and I were friends without the help of anyone else.

Dearest friend-
God is so good to have made us friends. Thank you for ALL the laughs and joy, thank you for the tears and prayers. I am so grateful for you. Beyond words. These are the words I will try to use but know dear girl that I love you all the way down to my bones and you are my family. I have been honored to be a part of your wedding. I was blown away when you asked me to stand up there with you. It fills my heart up to know that I can love and support you in that way. Over the last two years you have become my sister and I look forward to the coming years and seeing who God continues to make you into.

I prayed long ago for a friend like you, actually so long ago that I had forgotten I prayed it. God didn't. He tucked it away into my heart and knew you would come. I had asked for a friend who would "get" me and understand me. That I could just live my life with and trust to be there. A friend who would laugh with me and share silly moments as they were just as important as the serious one. You, Alicia, have given me that. I love laughing with you. I love that you understand why Zac is so awesome, that glittery "people" are obnoxiously hilarious, why Capt. Hook is so funny, the reason it's funny to tease others ;) I love that I can just go out to dinner or cupcakes with you. I love sharing my day to day life with you.

I have watched you grow and change so much in the last two years. I have seen you do things that terrified you and lean into Christ when you were so scarred you wanted to quit. You have encouraged me in that so much Alicia. Watching you trust in the Truth of the Cross and knowing He will guide you through. I have seen you humbly seek out wisdom and guidance on what it means to become a wife and entering into this next step. I have seen a deep level of honesty from you and you share your heart openly about the struggles you have and the challenges you face. When I met you you weren't ready to be a wife. Now I see you standing on the cusp of the day you are about to become one and I know with the confidence of the Holy Spirit that you are ready because you are in His hands. Not ready because you know more but you see how much you don't know. Ready because you understand the dependence that is needed on the cross. You don't see marriage as the end of the Fairy Tale but the beginning of a path of deep sanctification. You my friend are ready because Jesus is standing there holding onto you and taking you through the refining fire.

On Sunday everything will change.....yet not much will be different. I am so excited to see you become Mrs. Galbraith! I am also excited to continue to be family with you guys. I am excited for Thanksgiving, Christmas, birthdays, cupcake dates, movie nights, Disney trips and so much more. Thank you for giving that gift to me. The gift of family. Thank you for loving my kids. For lighting up Chaucer's face, for finding dragon wings for Abby, for planning the pinkest cupcakes ever for Olivia, for talking with Saphyre, for snuggling Tessa. They adore you and think you are amazing. You are the best Aunt to them. Your whole life will seem so different when you come home but know that we are here for you and want to help you any way we can. I wish we could do more for you and give you more. We love you guys so much.

So my dear LeeLee I love you. I am blessed to call you friend. I am grateful for all that we have been through together. The good, bad, great, difficult, and all the stuff in between. I am excited to watch you grow as a wife, to become a mom and to spend the rest of our lives making fun of dumb things together. You will always be my sister and part of my heart.

one of the best gifts I ever got.

2011-09-18T22:18:00.000-07:00

My whole life I wanted a little brother. I don't know why, it just seemed like fun. I never got one. Until 4 years ago I met a boy who Jesus would build that special relationship with. Next Sunday he is getting married and I wanted to take a moment to write down how important he is to me and my family. Jordan this is for you!

I met Jordan at VBS the summer of 2008. I didn't give him much thought to be honest, it was a long crazy week of VBS. I thought he seemed nice but honestly I didn't really think I would become friends with him because I wasn't given much to hanging out with single guys since I was married and had 3 kids. He served in children's ministry and my kids started to adore him. He became like a rock star. We would chat while I waited to drop the girls off at their classes. I don't really remember exactly how but he and I became friends. Then Jordan started serving on Wednesday nights and those nights are some of the fondest memories I have. It was so small then just us, Jordan and Matt. I brought dinner and they came to eat it before they set-up CM and we set-up RG. It was those nights that God used to seal that bond. I had begun to adore him in that big sister kind of way. Olivia had dubbed him "The Jordan" and somewhere in there he and Jim had become friends too. It wasn't instant. It took some time and Jordan had to wear me down. It was a really rough point in my life and I wanted to be closed off and did not want a new friend and was hurt and angry with the word "family". Jordan though was persistent and wouldn't leave me alone.

Dearest Brother,
Thank you! Thank you for getting to know me. Thank you for listening to what I assume was the Holy Spirit telling you to not give up. Thank you for having a heart of service and grace towards my kids, you have no idea how much that helped seal you into my heart as family. I have been blessed beyond words to call you brother but I will try to explain it just a bit.

Over the last four years I have watched you grow into a man who desperately wants to know the heart of Jesus. I have seen you struggle and toil and hurt. It has broke my heart to see. I prayed for you and asked God to take you and mold into a man after Him. No one drives me crazy like you. I have been so annoyed and frustrated with you at times. Always God whispers to me to pray for you and tells me how much He loves you. God has used you to grow my understanding of what real family is. He used you pushing into our home and showing up at my house unexpectedly to break my heart for family and reawaken that desire to have family. You are part of God's grace on my life.

Very few people have I ever laughed as much with or had such wonderful memories with. From going on vacation to serving to family dinners, all of them mean so much to me. I look forward to countless more! You make me laugh. You are willing to laugh at yourself and you are willing to laugh with me. When I get to spend time with you and have you in my home it is a reminder of what Heaven will be like. Spending time laughing, eating and enjoying who Jesus is. Watching you throw my kids around and wrestle with and snuggle them warms my heart and praise Jesus for giving them an uncle who loves them and cares deeply for them and their hearts. Thank you so much for giving them that special gift!

In one week you will marry one of the best and greatest friends I have ever had. It doesn't fall short of my notice that God used you to bring me Alicia. I love her so much and I am so grateful for her friendship. You my dear brother brought her into our lives. I love you both so much! Jordan four years ago you were a young man with a lot of heart and passion for life. I have watched you learn to reign in your passion and focus it. I have seen you struggle with who God wants you to be and try as best you can to be that man. I watched as you have pray with a great patience for the things you want. You aren't that boy I met four years ago; you are now a man with a new heart and a man who is being continually refined and changed by Christ. I have seen you walk through painful things and seen you hurt deeply. I have seen great joy and happiness with you. All these things shaping you and changing you.

Dearest Jordan I am honored to have been a part of this time in your life. I am so proud of the man you have become and the man who will continue to be. Jesus is your center. I am humbled to be able to call you my brother and have you in my family. I love you very much and will always pray for you with gladness and thanksgiving. Always is He good to us!

Love your big sister who may not share your blood but I do get to share your life and share the blood of Christ with you.

Getting so big!

2011-09-11T17:32:00.000-07:00

1st day of kindergarten!

So excited!

Sisters!

1st day of 6th grade!

1st day of Pre-K

Such a sweet girl!

Tuesday mornings.

2011-09-05T19:17:00.000-07:00

It used to be that every Tuesday we got up and went to a women's bible study. When I started it I lived much closer to where it was and over 4 years of attending we moved from a couple miles away to about 15 miles. God asked me to leave it right after Chaucer was born. Since our church often plants more campuses and we attend and live right by the Shoreline one it was important for me to invest in some more relationships with women who would stay at my campus, as someday the church would plant in Everett. That day is coming. This next Sunday is the last Sunday with them being a part of the same campus. It made me think of these women I used to share every Tuesday morning with.

It was more then just a bible study. This place that met in different living rooms and different homes was more then a place to study. It was more then whatever the book of the bible we were studying or whatever book we were reading. It was a place of redemption. These ladies were the first true friends I had ever had. They were the first people to know me and know the dark parts of my heart, to hear the pain of sadness I had carried for years. They were also people I laughed with. Their kids were my kids best friends. I shared so much with all of them.

The years from 2007-2009 were hard ones. Things in my marriage weren't working. I didn't understand who Jesus was and who God the Father was. I struggled to believe that things would get "better". God had given me a few hours every week to feel loved and cry and laugh. I cried a lot, many, many, many tears were shed with these women. Sometimes I got loving rebuke, sometimes it was loving counsel, sometimes it was a hug or sympathetic ear. It was always God working on my heart and tearing down layers of hardness I had chosen. It wasn't always perfect. There was sin and pain in the midst too. Overall though Christ used that group of women to teach me more about love and community than I would ever learn from anyone else.

Part of my heart is broken that they are starting their own campus. Most of them I don't get to see except at church weekly or from time to time. I know that God will do such big things in Everett and that these women who love Christ so much will be a big part of that. The selfish little kid in me though wants them here with me and to stay because I love them so much. I already don't see them very often so it hurts that I won't see them at church. I am encouraged by the time God had given me with them though. That He let me know them. Let me see their hearts and share my heart with them. There are few people that I have as great of memories as I do with them. Crafting nights, hot tubbing, celebrating birthdays, hilarious jokes and laughing at ourselves. So thank you Jesus for them. For that special time but also for this time now. As sad and hard as it may be I know that you are working and that I can trust you with all of it.

Tessa Jordan Tinsley has arrived!

2011-08-26T18:40:00.000-07:00

God blessed us with our beautiful tiny Tessa Tuesday morning at 7:28am. She is tiny for a Tinsley baby (our kids are small but always on the bigger side as babies) She weighed 7lbs 6.5oz and was 20inches long. She has the most beautiful dark hair and lots of it. Lovely long fingers and the cutest nose ever. She is a pure delight!

Her birth story isn't that far of from the others. We went in around 5am for her c-section. At 7am we went into the OR and 28 minutes later my beauty came out. I did get queasy feeling but they gave me drugs for it. It's amazing how fast it all goes. I am blessed to live in a time when God has made this happen. Once she was out they cleaned her up and did all those baby things they do. Tessa did great and there were no issues. Once we got back to our room everything went fine. Tessa had no issues and I was more or less fine. They told me because I got my tubes tied and because there was more scar tissue then they would like to see it will take longer to feel back to normal and heal all the way. God was so gracious to me though and blessed me with a wonderful baby girl. He kept bringing to mind the curse and how painful it is but how sweet the reward is (and will be) That through all the suffering and pain of child birth comes this miracle and wonderful thing.

3 days....

2011-08-20T10:54:00.000-07:00

There are three days until I have my last baby.
Three days until the 4th person leaves my body.
Three days until I am a mother of five.
Three days left to handle being pregnant.
Three days left to enjoy it.
Three days left to finish the work I have.
Three days left to enjoy the rest I am getting, even though I am more tired then ever.
Three days left to trust Jesus with the surgery.
The longest three days ever.

There are three days until Tessa is born. I am overwhelmed by thoughts, emotions, worries. It's the after that scares me the most. I am freaked out by the pain and the thought of handling it all. These last few weeks have sucked in the parenting department. The older two girls have fought me on everything I have had them do. Abby has taken to just laying on the floor crying and Chaucer now feels that he needs me to hold him constantly. I have felt like a failure and that I am crazy for ever thinking that God called me into motherhood because obviously I am horrible at this job. I have cried a lot and prayed even more. God has been patient with me and listened to my cries. Yet three days is what I have left.

If I am honest it's not the fourth day that freaks me out the most it's two weeks later, when it all falls back on me. When I no longer have help. How will I handle it all. Chaos is my enemy. I don't function well in the constant unending craziness and ever changing schedules. So the thought of going back to school and driving the kids to and from school everyday makes me cry. I am trying to find the peace Jesus offers and listen for His voice but right now His plan seems to make little sense and really really hard. I don't understand how this will work? He keeps saying to trust Him and not to worry but to pray.

A simple reminder from a loving Father.

2011-08-16T11:02:00.001-07:00

So for the last 2 months my heart has been very heavy and I have been in a hard conversation with Jesus about what it mean to ask, receive and trust. Especially when it comes to things I could go without, anything extra. I was confronted with my sin of an unwilling heart and that I only trusted God to provide the most basic of need. I felt guilty anytime I asked Him for anything above “need” I learned that I don’t trust Him to provide anything that just brings joy or happiness to me and that I find myself believing the lie that He is in fact annoyed by me even asking Him for anything extra.

So the last few weeks Jim and I have been talking about money and finances and looking down the road a few weeks. There is no extra money and we will be in the hole $1000 dollars in September. I am in Alicia’s wedding in Sept. It’s the only wedding I have ever been in and didn’t really how high the cost would be. I need at least $200 for the dress, new shoes, and some misc other items at about a grand total of $400. With absolutely no extra money in Sept. and not knowing where we will have the money to pay for the basics my heart went to despair. I doubted God’s word and had decided in my heart that He would never supply the money for something and not needed as a new dress and shoes. Being too self-righteous though I refused to admit how sad and devastated I was that it seemed like this was no possibility. I “Christian talked” myself into a place of everything was fine and I needed to be happy about it because it was God choice.
This last week Jim and I sat down and talked for a long time about money and what we were going to do. With only having 3 weeks left that I have to order the dress there was no way we would be able to swing it. I was mad and hurt (at God not Jim) I refused though again to talk to Jesus about it. Finally the pain over took and on Wednesday I broke in front of Him and cried (literally) out to Him and got mad (literally again) and laid it all out. There was no answer and there was no promise made other than that He is Truth and I needed to trust that. So I talked to a good friend who is also in the wedding explaining everything and the quilt I felt over having to tell Alicia that there was no way I could pay for the dress. She said to talk to Alicia and trust in the friendship we have. I prayed about it and decided that Friday night I would let her know.

We were gone all Friday morning and when we got home there was a gift card to J. Crew (where the dresses are from) left on our door for $200. Now because I had been so angry and frustrated with Jesus and felt so guilty I told very few people about the actual cost and how much I was upset by it. The card wasn’t signed and I have no idea who it is from. I was simply reminded though by Christ that He gives and He is truth

Chick Lingo give away!

2011-07-26T15:56:00.001-07:00

I love this company and they are giving away one of their sweet frames. Enter to win on Facebook!

http://www.facebook.com/l.php?u=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.chicklingosigns.com%2F&h=yAQAx0HQh

Aunt & Uncle Day!

2011-07-25T11:07:00.000-07:00

After Mother's Day and Father's Day I thought we really needed a day to honor and celebrate two people who love our kids so much and give them so much love. Jordan and Alicia love our kids in that very special way that aunt and uncle's do. They spoil them with hugs and kisses, gifts, laughs. Uncle Jordan throws them up in to the air and makes them giggle and shriek. Aunt Alicia brings them special gifts and makes them the most precious things. Over all this though they love my kids. Love my kids and it instantly makes me love you more. It's not just surface your kids are cute love. They have seen our kids through sickness, meltdowns, naughtiness, laughs, giggles, 1st steps. They are family. They pray for our kids. They show them grace. They will be there on all the big moments, birthdays, holidays, graduations, weddings. We are blessed to be surrounded by family and especially covered in the blood of Jesus. There is no blood that we share with them and we never will but at the end of this life I know that I will spend eternity with my brother and sister bought in blood. My kids will worship with them forever.

So we decided that July 8th is Aunt and Uncle day. This year they came over for a very delicious dinner BBQ'd up by Jim. Then just some fun times hanging out. The kids made them cards and we got them a little gift. Next year we'll do something again. There is a safety in that from Jesus knowing that I don't have to worry that these people may not be around next year.

They are family. Here are some pics, they are a little off cause of my camera issues.

Uncle Jordan playing with a fire truck.

The chaos they live with us :)

Chaucer and Olivia look adorable in this pic

Little Abby!

Preschool Graduate!

2011-06-18T17:06:00.000-07:00

Olivia graduated preschool! She will be a kindergartner next year! I can't believe how big she is. It seems to have flashed by. She loved pre-k this year. She really really likes schedules and things being very organized. There were only 4 other girls in her class this year and a lot of little boys. It was always fun to hear her come home and talk about her friends and what they did with each other. I loved watching her learn and grow. We love her preschool. It is very family centered and her teachers really care about her and try to meet her where they are. God has been good to us to let her have this time.

Before it started. Excuse the fuzziness, my camera is still broken :(

Being fabulous!!!

Little sister waiting....

She is on the left side trying to hide.

Afterward not wanting to smile

Now she is ready to smile!

Lenora and Olivia reading her special gift.

Her preschool graduation was a luau theme. Auntie Licia took her out for a special outfit and everything. Olivia invited her friend Lenora to come watch her too. Each class that was graduating sang two songs and then Teacher Bonnie gave them diplomas and a special present. Olivia could see us from where she was and kept moving back to hide from us and then sticking her tongue out at us. Which was fair since I was sticking my tongue out at her. Overall she did great and we love her very much and are very proud of Olivia.

Happy 11th Birthday!

2011-06-08T07:39:00.000-07:00

Saphyre turned 11 this last week. We can hardly believe she is that old. She is just about to finish up 5th grade! She has grown up a lot over the last year. It has been a challenge to teach her about the real facts of hormones and body changing and also that those don't mean you get to be rude and selfish. Even in those harder time God still calls us to be obedient to Him. Navigating her through friendship trials and how to be a loving friend when someone else is unloving. Teaching her to understand the importance of obedience even when friends are choosing disobedience. All these things preparing her for older years and building in foundations that will help her. The unfortunate side is 11 year olds don't have a lot of perspective and don't always agree with what parents think is best. It teaches us as parents so much though. It's not about quick fixes or behavior modification, although sometimes I wish it were, it's about the heart. We pray daily for Saphyre's salvation. We aren't sure she is really committed to Jesus and truly has a relationship with Him. I am confident though that Jesus is bigger then her will and will do as He sees fit. That is what I am grateful for as a mom that Jesus will always know more about my kids than me and always do what is best for them.

Eating her birthday Breakfast!

Eating with her sisters!

Dear Father in Heaven, You know all the moments of Saphyre's life, Every thought in her head. Every action she does. Lord give us strength to trust you with those things. Give us wisdom on how to guide and correct her. Teach her Lord your name. Let her see past the surface of "being good" and that going to church is enough. Give her a hunger and desire for you that goes beyond our human understanding. Jesus she is yours. Everyday belongs to you. Let Jim and I be parents who act in love and grace. Give us encouragement when we have to say no and not let her have the things other kids have. Give her wisdom to know we do those things for her protection not just to be mean. Lord let her be an example of your love and boldness to friends and not hide what is right out of fear. Let her years be long and full of wonderful blessings. Teach her now that suffering will come and has come but that You remain the same no matter what the circumstances are. Jesus give her a faith and love for you that carries her through every bad moment and that brightens every good one. Amen.

the tip of the iceberg....

2011-05-17T17:18:00.000-07:00

Friendship, family, solitude, loneliness, trust, empty, overflowing, confused, time, Jesus. All these words are stuck in my head. Thoughts and memories swirling around tyring to make sense of the pain and sin I am carrying with me. Questions with no answers. Questions with answers that terrify me. Questions with answers that hurt. Where is the sin vs. the pain? The pain itself seems like so much that it could never truly heal. The scars running so deep that the thought that I could be free from them is to far away to take as truth. I find God funny that He gives me natural desires for things and yet they are the things that scare me. I want to belong and be chosen by people. I want them to give me words of affirmation. It is how I feel love the most, loving words. Yet every one that is given I am waiting for the attack that comes with it. For them to turn into weapons to cut me deep. How could these people be any different than the ones before? It feels like to much to carry. It feels like to much to hope for. Than Jesus calls me....

It is a voice I know better than my own. He has been with me longer than I have followed Him. He chose me long before I took that first breath. He wants me to trust Him. To lean into to Him with this pain. I don't want too. I know it would be better and I could be free from it. Here I stand though not willing to look at the pain or trust that I could come through this without being hurt worse. The challenge He gives is what if no one cares at the end. What if no one calls or wants me? What if I end this life alone and no one chooses me but there He stands wanting me and waiting for me? Is that going to be enough? I want the answer to be yes. I want desperately to run to Him and not care. Right now though I can't say I want that more than I want to not feel that pain He is wanting me to feel. What this feels like is when my children are fighting me and really want something they can't have and I have to pick them up and hold them to me so they don't hurt themselves. He is holding onto me and I feel safe with Him but my flesh wants out it wants away. Lucky for me He is way stronger than me and has way more patience then I do.

No answers. More questions. More sin uncovered. More moments to give it to Him. more of His grace pouring down on me and more of His steadfast love telling me He won't leave. It is finished.....can that be enough?

Mother's Day.....

2011-05-08T21:53:00.000-07:00

Oh Mother's Day every year you come and every year I struggle with you. What are you suppose to do? Give me a day away from kids? That my family should worship and adore me? That really you're just another day? Are you a day I should celebrate my kids or should they celebrate me? Really what it comes back to every year is that it is still a day about who Jesus is. It is His grace that I love my kids. That I am here with them everyday loving them and that I know them. I know what they love, what they hate, the things they really like but will pretend to hate. It wasn't the legacy the world handed to me it was the legacy God handed me. Thank you Jesus for this chance to redeem mother's day a day to remember that you are perfect and that only in you can I be a good mother to my babies.

Thank you Jesus for bringing Saphyre. I didn't expect her but you knew I would become one of her parents. You sweet Jesus have taught me so much through parenting her. I pray your grace abounds as she learns what it means to be a young lady. As you have called her into a hard life where she will have to lean greatly into you to understand the why. You ask me to help her understand this and yet I feel just as lost as her some days. You know and ask us to trust that to be enough.

Lord you truly knew what I needed when you chose Olivia to my first born. She is everything I am not. Some days I am awe and other days I am beyond confused, usually both. She is a challenge and yet a light and joy of the day. She makes me laugh more than any other kid I know. She is generous beyond what I can understand. Her sweet heart is open to you and while she fights it she grows so much in you. Let her know that you are safe and don't want her to be perfect. You just want her.

Father in Heaven no one on this earth could be a better teacher of love and sweetness then my Abby. She loves and lives with every part of her self. Her tears fall quickly and freely. You have refined my heart using her smile to break my heart. I would have thought I would have an easier time in knowing how to parent her and yet you still know best and show me my own sin in her and call me to remove it from myself and guard her from it.

Oh my loving God. You gave me a son. Some days I look at his face and wonder what you thought when you looked upon the face of your son when He was a baby. My heart fills with joy at his smile and I melt in a way I never knew was possible. I was scarred to have a son. I didn't know if I could be a mother to a boy. How was I suppose to love him without ruining him. You knew that my boy's sweet love would redeem my own heart. You teach me to be humble and patient with him. To again trust you because I don't know what he needs.

Jesus my last baby. My Tessa. I don't know her. I don't know who she will be more like. Still you teach me. There are days I sit and fear how I could possibly handle another baby and you answer with "YOU" that it will only be through you. Again you are saying to me to hold fast to you. She is yours and you will cast her out. I will come to know her quirks and her silliness. Everyday will be filled with moments of laughter, heartache, and the sweetness that she is yours.

These are my kids. I love each of them so much. They are so different and bring their own crazy to the table. Jesus help me to know how to love each one and how to be their mom. Fill me with patience of you, give me strength to trust you when it's hard and even when it's easy. Without you they will not make it. Without you I will not make it. Bind us as a family in you. Give us that desire to serve you together. I love you very much. You are the best thing about my kids. Let you be the best thing about me. Amen.

Easter fun-2011

2011-04-26T14:08:00.000-07:00

This year Easter at our church was held at Qwest field. It was pretty awesome to see that many people who love Jesus there and worshipping. Since Jim had to serve I didn't get any pictures as trying to keep 4 kids happy while pregnant was a bit distracting. But there were somewhere around 17,500 people there. THe worhsip was great and we had 20 baptisms set up and over 600 people got baptized. The only bummer for me was I wanted to hear ALL of their stories about how Jesus had saved them. God knws them all though and I hope they get to share them with others and lift up the name of Christ through what He has done in their lives. Olivia and Abby have been asking lots of questions about what it mean to baptized and what it means to be a Christian. After service we went over to the Kaufman's to celebrate and eat. It was a lot of fun and relaxing. We are truly blessed by who God is in our lives.

Sweet Abby!

In there Easter hats!

Olivia looking awesome!

So grown up and beautiful.

Sisters!

A very sleepy but handsome boy.

Tulip fun!

2011-04-26T13:57:00.000-07:00

We went up to the Tulip Fields last week with some friends. It was so beautiful and perfect. We are truly blessed to live in this area and be so close to so many wonderful different areas. We got to eat yummy ice cream and just enjoy God's creation!

It's a......

2011-04-14T09:57:00.000-07:00

GIRL!!!!!

We are super excited to wrap up our family with a little girl! Her name will be Tessa Jordan Tinsley. Tessa is just a name I liked a lot. I felt like it fit with the other kids names well. I did find a book with the name Tessa in it, which is one of my "rules" for names. The other rule being it could be shortened and I like Tess too so it works. I decided a long time ago that none of my kid's first names would really be after anyone. I would go with names I liked because they were special to me. Their middle names are all after people who are special to us. Jordan is after our dear friend who has become like a brother to us. We love him very much and he is very involved in our lives and loves our kids dearly. We are so happy to know who this little baby is and be able to call her by name and get to know her a little.

Dear Sweet Jesus. Thank you for our daughter. Our lovely Tessa who you have known since before time. Lord you have made this girl. You have given her to us for awhile. We praise you because of this miracle. You made her wiggly, you made her cute nose, you made her heart and soul. Jesus let her be yours now even in the womb. Give Jim and I strength to raise her well. Thank you Jesus for the JOY of our girl. Thank you for a family bought with your blood to love her well with us. Our hearts overflow with thankfulness to our creator for HIS creation. Jesus she is your sweet girl, let us remember always it is all for you and all about you. In your name. Amen!

Words that speak to my heart.

2011-03-25T21:10:00.000-07:00

Give ear to my prayer, O God,

and hide not yourself from my plea for mercy!

Attend to me, and answer me;

I am restless in my complaint and I moan,

because of the noise of the enemy,

because of the oppression of the wicked.

For they drop trouble upon me,

and in anger they bear a grudge against me.

My heart is in anguish within me;

the terrors of death have fallen upon me.

Fear and trembling come upon me,

and horror overwhelms me.

And I say, “Oh, that I had wings like a dove!

I would fly away and be at rest;

yes, I would wander far away;

I would lodge in the wilderness; Selah

I would hurry to find a shelter

from the raging wind and tempest.”

Destroy, O Lord, divide their tongues;

for I see violence and strife in the city.

Day and night they go around it

on its walls,

and iniquity and trouble are within it;

ruin is in its midst;

oppression and fraud

do not depart from its marketplace.

For it is not an enemy who taunts me—

then I could bear it;

it is not an adversary who deals insolently with me—

then I could hide from him.

But it is you, a man, my equal,

my companion, my familiar friend.

We used to take sweet counsel together;

within God's house we walked in the throng.

Let death steal over them;

let them go down to Sheol alive;

for evil is in their dwelling place and in their heart.

But I call to God,

and the LORD will save me.

Evening and morning and at noon

I utter my complaint and moan,

and he hears my voice.

He redeems my soul in safety

from the battle that I wage,

for many are arrayed against me.

God will give ear and humble them,

he who is enthroned from of old, Selah

because they do not change

and do not fear God.

My companion stretched out his hand against his friends;

he violated his covenant.

His speech was smooth as butter,

yet war was in his heart;

his words were softer than oil,

yet they were drawn swords.

Cast your burden on the LORD,

and he will sustain you;

he will never permit

the righteous to be moved.

But you, O God, will cast them down

into the pit of destruction;

men of blood and treachery

shall not live out half their days.

But I will trust in you.

(Psalm 55 ESV)

jumbled thoughts....

2011-03-19T18:25:00.000-07:00

My brain feels jumbled lately. Lots of thoughts that I can't seem to focus in on. Part of it is I feel disconnected. It's that feeling as though I am on one end of the tunnel and someone else is on the other and they are trying to tell me something and yet I can't make it out. It seems important and like it needs my attention but I don't care enough to walk forward to find out what it is. That's where my heart is right now. not with everyone just a few people. It's funny how people I have almost no deep connection to could cause me to react so strongly. The sting of their words and them blowing me off have wounded me. I am trying to remember the promise of my God. The only God there is. That He is faithful and steadfast. That I don't do so that others will rejoice in me I do simply because He wants me too.

I know what He wants. I can hear Him clearly. The directions are fuzzy and seem confusing but I know what He wants. Obedience. That's it. He doesn't want my results, my success, my words, or skills. He wants me to obey Him. The real question is will I?

Happy 4th Birthday little Abby!

2011-02-24T11:38:00.000-08:00

There isn't a girl quite as sweet, silly and tiny as Abby. Abby's life as been marked by people wanting her to reach goals and make it to certain places by certain times. This year at her 4 year check up she measured the size of a 2 and half year old. Every year on her birthday I am reminded of that first year that I lived in fear of not knowing how long she would be with me or what kind life she would be able to live. God used it to show me how faithful He is and how much bigger His plan is. I don't think I would trust God the way I do now if I hadn't walked through that with her. Not that I still don't panic or freak out I am not yet perfect :) Anyway I can't believe Abby is 4. She is so hilarious and makes us all laugh. She is more of a loner than the others and more content to play by herself and make up her own games to play without the others. Although she does really like playing games with the others. Her and Olivia really like to pretend they are people we know and then go around and doing things as those people. She can be hard to understand because she has a funny little voice. She says the words right just usually pretty quietly and not always in the right order, Olivia is our back up translator. She loves to dance there isn't much that can make me laugh like her dancing can. She throws her whole body into it and wiggles all over and makes the greatest dance face!

She loves going to preschool and her teacher really likes having her in class. Her teacher said the other day that Abby is a good helper to the new girl who is having a hard time. She is mothering without being annoying. Abby is a helper and giver. She loves to give people presents. She is also pretty emotional still. She has always been a "crier" she gets very upset very quickly and cries the biggest tears. Usually unless she is hurt she can stop crying on a dime. She loves to snuggle and sit on peoples laps. She adores her Auntie Alicia and asks about her almost everyday. She loves her friends and sisters. She is a love bug who like having all those she loves with her.

Turning 4 in Disneyland!!

Sweet sisters. There is no one she fights with or plays with more.

Fun!

The girls!

Pretending to be sad and asleep waiting for her birthday lunch.

Her favorite princess.

Her second favorite.

Dearest Jesus-You have had her in your hands since before I even knew her. You laid a special call on her life. She has taught me so much about faith and your goodness. Lord continue to teach her and change into who you would have her be. Let me always remember that desperation to know you and trust you with her life. Jesus you have made her into the sweetest and tiny little girl. Let her identity always be one of you and do not let her heart or mind wander from her Heavenly Father who gives her every breath. Teach me to love her well and understand her. Give me a humble heart to pursue her and remove pride that grows in both of us that separates us. Let her story be one of abundance grace. Let her face hardships and trials that refine her and bring her to you. Help me to walk through them with her and not fix it for her. She is yours. Today, tomorrow and always. Let her worship at your feet with humbleness. Teach her who you are in her heart and that you are always the best way. Let her understand the best way isn't the easiest way and may in fact be harder but that it worth the pain because the joy that comes from obedience is the best feeling. Jesus thank you for my girl. For my daughter that can dance and play like any other child. For her big smile and silly nature. She is a delight and let me also remember that it is your gift I have her for any number of days. That she is your daughter and will always be so. Jesus words can not not express how thankful my heart is for not only Abby but all our kids. You are pure goodness and joy. Let us remember to teach that to our kids and remember it in our own actions. Amen.

Chaucer Bennett is 1!!

2011-02-24T10:11:00.000-08:00

It's hard to believe that Squish is a year! He lights up everyday with his wonderful whole body smile. He holds a special place in his mama's heart. I love him so much and adore these moments with him. He is a pretty calm little guy. Happy to play by himself and handles his sisters moving him around the house pretty well. Chaucer is a wonderful part of our family, he adds a little calm to the chaos of his lovely sisters. His problems seem to be a little more about needs rather than the emotional melt downs of the girls. He is growing well. A tiny Tinsley baby. He is about the size of a nine month old. He is right on track though with where he should be. He is almost walking. He can cruise along furniture and push walking toys. He says "Dada" but no mama. He truly is the sweetest and cutest baby boy!

Happy 1st birthday!

So excited!

Birthday snuggles.

mmm birthday cake

so good

sugar overload

he's so tiny in this picture

and so cool in this one.

Dear Jesus, Thank you for a year with my son. A year with your son. Let us always remember that he is yours and it is our gift that we get to raise him. Thank you for his giggles and smiles. For his little squishy face. Thank you that he is the first son you gave us. I pray that as he grows so does my heart after you. I pray that I would devote myself further to you that I may raise a son who loves you more than his mama. Father lift up my boy and call his name. I praise you that in him through you starts a new legacy of boys who are loved by their mom and dad and raised to honor you. Protect my little heart from being hurt. Help us to trust you with his life and find comfort in your decisions for him. Even now as a sweet baby boy put in him a desire to know his Father in Heaven and serve you. Thank you Jesus for bringing family to our children. For bringing Aunties and Uncles who love Chaucer and spoil him the way that Aunt's and Uncle's are suppose too. Let him know the sweetness that this gift is. Thank you Jesus for dying so that I may have my son. That he may grow and be able to know you. For without you it would not be possible. Amen

God humbles.

2011-02-08T22:22:00.000-08:00

Jim lost his job. He got fired. His boss was never a very loving or kind man. Jim kind of knew this was coming. He didn't do anything to deserve getting fired. My husband is probably the most loyal person and hardest worker around. Yet here we are. Figuring it all out.

Jim and I work things out differently. We struggle in different areas of pride. Since this is my blog I will focus on my issues. Just know that we are both prideful and God is working on both our hearts. For me it's not hard to say we need help. It is hard for me to not be able to help others in the way we normally do. I can't feed people. I realized this today. It hurt my heart. Not in a sinful way. I don't think I was or am in sin over the issue. I have worked through that sin a few times. This hurt in a I can't serve people and show them love in this way right now. We make and bring dinner to the volunteers at our church on Wednesday nights. We don't get reimbursed. We count it as a part of what we give. We sacrifice in our food budget to make it work. Over the last 2 years I have made dinners I have felt many things; pride, selfishness, annoyance, joy, happiness, love, and over the last year especially peace about serving God in this way. I also have felt very protective of this ministry. It is close to my heart and I love to bring these people dinner. Most of the people I love most have been brought to me through this meal. My family has been built around Wednesday nights. Every quarter I have prayed and asked God if this is what He wants and every time He has said yes. Last spring I asked Him what service He wanted from me and He told that He wanted me to serve in this way, no matter what.

Right now I can't. I have been benched. We can't afford to pay for the extra food. In God's providence a dear friend asked to help this quarter and so the people I love dearly and that I was called to serve will still eat. In this God is teaching me to be humble and showing me that He doesn't need to fulfill anything. That it is still my joy to give not my burden. I firmly believe Christ will allow me to return to this. I will still be there I just can't provide it but I guess in the end it was never me who provided the food it has always been Him.

The others areas is having people in my home and feeding them. I think they may have been a small area of sin growing there. Taking on the identity of being the one who cooks for people. Being the one who offers food. A beginning of taking pride in that fact. Not that it is wrong to feed people or have them in my home. The wrong thought was me starting to see that as who I am not that I am first and always His daughter first. Jim pointed out that we can still have people and offer our best but our best right now is different. It's hard for me to trust that others can give to me. That something wont be expected out of me. The honest truth is most don't give to us. Maybe that's because we are "givers". Most don't bring us food or invite us for dinner. Again maybe God is showing that I don't let others do that because I have to be the one to offer to others. That out of fear I have been hiding behind "all I do" and not allowing my heart to risk the hurt of the possibility no one will be there to gather us up and take us into their lives. It kind of sucks as He has been walking me through this fear of wanting people to pick me and fearing if people really don't love me as I love them and now this fear is staring at me. God is making me face it head on.

What do I feel? It changes moment to moment. Sometimes I just want to cry. Other moments I feel more loved than ever. Some moments are hurtful when someone I thought should care more didn't show they cared at all. Sometimes I feel shocked at those who care more than I could ever guessed they could have. In all this His voice calls me to trust Him for today, not to wander to the unknown. He is still good. No matter what. He is using this moment in our lives to show us our sin and show us what He has planned. I don't know what tomorrow brings. I know that He knows. He is not going to hurt me. He will allow pain to shape me and the pain to move me. I will rest in Him and trust Him with my heart, my kids, my husband.

It is His grace that my heart rejoices right now and is not bitter. It is His hand that holds my heart in check and has allowed me to be free from blaming Jim for this. It is His mighty works that has moved in our marriage that this won't destroy us. He is good because He is God.

11 Months.

2011-02-08T21:53:00.000-08:00

It doesn't seem possible. Chaucer is 11 months!! He started cruising along the couch and can switch from the coffee table back to the couch. He pushed his new waling toy across the room. He can stand all by himself for about a second. He is eating, well anything he can find to put in his mouth. He has 9 teeth. Sadly he seems to be weening himself already. I love breastfeeding I really do. He really only eats around bed time and when he wakes up. He is getting so big. He is actaully still pretty tiny but he is a Tinsley so it's to be expected.

Chaucer lights up my days. He has the best whole body smile ever! I love it when he is crawling away and stops and then looks back at me when that sweet smile. He is very good at playing by himself. He adores people it seems. He is at that stage where he will look around until he finds someone who is looking at him and then lights up. He has said "dada" but not "mama". It's fun when I feed him I will make noises at him or open and shut my mouth and he will copy me.

(Yes I realize he is almost a year now but I took awhile to upload his pictures)

My birthday celebration

2011-02-08T21:49:00.000-08:00

I had a wonderful birthday celebration. I got to spend the morning of my birthday with my guys enjoying them. I got to spend the afternoon with my family. Then I got to get my nail done for the first time ever with my sisters. Then I got to go out to a yummy dinner with people I love dearly. The next day I got to celebrate with my friends and laugh a lot. So yes this was the best birthday of my life and at 28 I am happy and full of joy for the people that God has placed in my life because I adore them.

On our way to get our nails done.

pretty toes

Sylvia and I.

At dinner.

So many laughs

true love

adorable!!

I love her.

I don't know why blogger moved my pics around but this is on our way to nails!

Awkward picture ;)

good face

I have to say my favorite part was all the love I felt. I got some awesome gifts but I felt so loved by all the sweet words people gave me. Whether it was over text, facebook, or cards my heart felt overjoyed by it. Words of affirmation is my "love language" and especially when it's written to me. One card from my dear friend Angie especially touched my heart. These things I will hold with me forever. I don't have the words to properly thank these people for te love they showed me that day. It wasn't so much the fact that it was about me but that my heart was reached in a way it rarely is on that day and God showed me His grace through sweet words of my family in Him.

Baby!!

2011-02-08T21:35:00.000-08:00

This one will be short. We are pregnant again! We are very excited. I can't wait to find out who this baby is. Yes we have names. Tessa Jane or Elias Peter. I have no feelings either way about who it is. I never have. We saw baby for the first time yesterday. Baby was flipping all around. I haven't ever seen any of the other kids move that much so little, Jim said he is sorry for me once I can feel this little one. I have been feeling pretty sick. The sight of uncooked food or unprepared food makes me sick. Which makes cooking really hard and since we aren't yet at that place we can hire a personal chef : ) I am hoping it passes soon. We are glad for this baby.

Are we done with this one???? I think yes. My heart right now is leaning there. We both ultimately know God gives children not anyone or anything else. We love each of our kids and adore the time we are given with them. So yes I realize 5 kids is a lot and yes I know I will be busy and have my hands full. My fellow mother's know what I am talking about ;) God is good and this baby is His.

Covered in prayer.

2011-02-02T16:27:00.000-08:00

My heart can rejoice in prayer and that people pray for me. My Lord Jesus Christ prays for me. It has been a hard few days. I have sinned a lot. I have fought many lies. Hard lies that hurt just to hear. Yet I am safe not because of me but because of Christ. The lies don't get any power they get only defeat. I asked for prayer even though the demons told me no one would pray and no one would care. People prayed. I prayed. I fought hard and won. Well I didn't win, I failed. I trusted the lie for a second of time. Held my tongue for a moment to long. I let the wave of insecurity wash over me and took my comfort in it. My patient Heavenly Father said no. Shined the light on my lies and the lies died. He held onto me when I was too weak and reminded me again that "it is finished". More battle scars. More pains I carry with me. More joy in my salvation and rest in His peace. The battle was short and in the end He won because He's already defeated it all and wears the scars to prove it. Thank you sweet Christ and help me to abide in your TRUTH. You are good and all else falls at your feet.

28 years of wisdom and folly!!

2011-01-28T22:40:00.000-08:00

28 years old! This birthday has been the birthday I have look forward my whole life. This age for some reason I thought was going to be the best age ever! Actually I thought I was going to get married when I was 28. In God's ironic humor I got married when I was 21 and now I am pregnant with what will most likely be our last child and I will have my last kid this year. My life hasn't been easy. It hasn't been full of Jesus all 28 years. I have only known Him 10 years. I feel like I have only begun to understand Him in the last three years. Yet His grace and love cover my life and show His glory! My years, as I would assume most peoples years go, have been filled with deep pains and tremendous joys. In 28 years I have accomplished much and little. Memories and moments that mean the world to me but seem silly to some. Memories of friendships both current and past that were full of laughter and tears. Real raw moments that Christ had given to show me His love long before I knew His name. He has given me five beautiful kids. The first given into my hands at 4 and did not come from my body. She is mine though because God made me her mom. Three wonderful ones who came from my body. Each one pushing me farther from my flesh and closer to His cross. A fifth who grows inside my body now and with whom God asks me if I really trust that they are ALL His. He has allowed me to marry a man I love deeply and who confuses me everyday. A marriage that has taught me so much about santification and not a whole lot about happiness. It has taught me what deep seeded Joy looks like and how important it is to be committed and how sometimes that is more important than the love. A marriage that shows my darkest sin and my greatest humbled moments.

Over this last year God has taught me so much. Over the last few months God has taught me so much. It amazes me to look back over the last year and think on who I was a year ago. To know who God has changed me into. God and I are the only ones who know my heart and He knows it way better than I do. I see how dark my heart is and how sinful I am. In that I see how far God has taken me. I see how much there is left to do. I hope that every year I can look back over my last year and see God working and changing my heart. He has blessed me so much. This last year brought much into our lives.

This last year I got a family. Slowly and painfully rebuilding that love and hope of feeling home and loved. He has given me true sisters that I love and share my heart with. True brothers that I can walk through life with. People that I can cry too and laugh with. It isn't easy. There have been times of doubt and hurt. Feeling let down and not important. Then Christ whispers into my heart that He will always love me and I don't need to be important to anyone but Him. In that He shows me I am loved by others even in pain and let-down.

I have also learned so much more about Christ. I have seen Him reach into my life and bring out sin. I have learned how much He loves me and sees me. I can not hide from Him. He knows all my parts. I stand before Him and He smiles at me. He laughs with me and I worship Him. He and I have talked a lot. I have cried and begged Him to take away pains and hurts. To stop things from happening because it hurt so bad I could barely stand it seemed. He didn't take it away. He did feel it with me. Every tear I shed this year He shed with me. Every hurt I felt He felt. All the joys and the happiest of times He rejoiced with me. He is a part of my life. He is not inactive and absent. He is not removed. He is there with me in every moment. I am blessed simply because He loves me. There is nothing else that I need to make it and yet in every area He gives me more! While it is my birthday I celebrate it is God's grace that overflows from all my days.

These moments.

2011-01-25T14:31:00.000-08:00

I am frustrated. If you actually read my blog you have probably guessed that. So sorry for you if it's annoying you but this is how I work out the issues in my brain. I am frustrated with people and myself. I am annoyed at people I love and them being stupid. Yes, stupid. I am not mincing words cause some things are easy to see as stupid. No worries cause I do some pretty stupid things too. I am trying to understand what it means to love someone in the midst of them not walking away from the sin. Some confess it and others deny it. I know it doesn't mean condoning the sin or not speaking truth. I feel stuck. I see God working things out in me. Fear of man and fearing that people will react badly to me and my words, instead of trusting God to be enough. A more patient and loving heart that shows grace and patience.

It all feels so foggy right now though. It feels confusing and alone cause no one can help me understand cause those who know agree with me. Part of my heart desperately wants these people to all change because of the pain I see in all of them. To be completely honest part of me wants them to change so they wont annoy me as much. My heart is black. Full of pride. There are many different things going on and none of them are things I understand or know how to deal with. They aren't "my sins". They are though. Underneath all the sin is the same. My pride is the same to Christ as someones addiction to drugs. So many thoughts run through my head all day. Things annoy me that shouldn't. Things annoy me that should annoy me. Where is that line? The Jesus I worship was never a weak willed man who was always just okay and happy with everyone. He loved everyone but that love was not just happy fluffy love. It wasn't someone always using pet names and snuggling. It was real.

Being married helps me to understand it. The world's view points me to that my husband needs to constantly build me up and praise me and if he doesn't then he is mean. The other day he called me on my sin. He wasn't "nice" about it. He wasn't mean either. He was truthful and straight to the point. He was right. He wanted to point me back to the cross. Would it have been loving for him to talk around the problem and use happy words to point out the sin? No. He used strong words that named my sin. He pointed me away from death. That is what sin is. Death. There is no way to live in the darkness and the light. It is not possible.

So where does that leave me? I don't know. More confused I suppose. In the end I think what God is wanting from me running to Him. Because only He has these answers. He may never share them. He may never reveal what He wants out of all this. I need to act in Faith that He is right because He always is. He is good and faithful. He wants me to trust in that and know He is big enough without me.

The best birthday of my entire life......

2011-01-18T08:08:00.000-08:00

In 10 days I will be 28. I have for some reason always thought this birthday would be the best age. I have been looking forward to this birthday for as long as I can remember. No it's not because it's my golden birthday because I was looking forward to it before I knew what that was. The problem is I have had some pretty bad birthdays. More then a few sad ones. My mother never made my birthday special and it was usually more about her then me anyway. Jim is the only person so far to come through on the birthday promises he makes. Every year I get nervous about my birthday and what may go wrong. This year I am having mixed feelings. I am excited for it. Looking forward to celebrating with my husband and kids. Then the fear sneaks in. What if no one cares? What if no one comes to my party? What if promises people made are broken?

I feel like lately God has been showing me how much I want people to choose me and how important that is too me. Right now there are people I love very much who aren't choosing me. For different reasons, some are just life, others feel more painful and the reasons seem more muddled, some are my own selfish thoughts. So what if next Friday I wake up and the people I care about most don't care that it's my birthday? It will hurt, bad. Yet Christ will still be with me. He will still love me and He will still have chosen me.

I find myself to see things in a more real light than others. I know I will feel loved by friends and my family . I also realize I will probably feel slighted or hurt by someone I thought should have cared more. I will feel encouraged by people I didn't know cared as much as they showed. For being a "realist" though these "fairytale" moments don't leave my head. The thought that maybe I will be able to sleep in. Wake up to no chores. My kids will choose to obey everything I ask them. That I could stay home and have a wonderful delicious home made dinner with no mess. That I would receive the perfect present from the people. That my whole day would be without surprise and planned out for me. (Yes I hate surprises) I doubt if any of these will happen. I am confident in that Jim will try his best to make my day special and will make me happy on my birthday. He is the only one who ever has. The fear though is still there.

It seems rather silly to me. I struggled with even writing this as it feels so trivial. So unimportant. Maybe it is, maybe I am being incredibly over sensitive. Why would I fear my birthday? There are many many reasons I could share from being a kid but none seem relative. There are more fears related to friendship and pain that exist there. Which may be more of a cause but I don't think would be appropriate to go into on a blog. I live with most things in the open but a few pains I do feel like are better saved to deal with in the privacy of my journal. It stills seems petty. That it would cause this much pain. A day. The day I was born. I love birthdays and really want to enjoy my birthday. I just feel stuck right now in this place of fear that no one will ever love me. When I write those words I feel a sense of relief because I can feel Christ telling me that He will always love me best. That the pain of all those who still let me down whether intentionally or unintentionally is real and He will celebrate me. Not in the worldly way but in a way I will only understand when He greets me in Heaven for the first time.

This blog seems a little confusing and depressing to me. Maybe it's not. Maybe it is. I just needed to write these thoughts out because that's how my brain processes. Hopefully next week will bring a more joyful birthday blog.

Today.

2011-01-06T15:45:00.000-08:00

One of those days I woke up wanting to quit. To not go upstairs and break up the argument, to drive my kid to school, to not volunteer at the church. I just wanted to close my eyes and pretend as though the whole day didn't exist. It does exist though. I could feel God tugging my heart and asking me where was I putting my hope? I knew the answer but I I first tried to reason with Him. "I am really tired." "You didn't design Me to handle busy, chaotic days." "You could make it easier and then I would be happier." Really am I happier when my days are "easier"? No. Am I happier when I give God my days and don't fight Him for control? Yes. Those easy days are never easy either. Those days I get to just be home and enjoy my greatest earthly peace of nothing changing are just as big as challenge because I still have to trust Jesus with it. I still have to set aside my own self to see that it is His day. God has changed me. I see it in my heart. I know myself and I know where I was a year ago, a month ago, a day ago, an hour ago. I see God's grace of movement and change and I see where I am hard like stone.
There are those little dark corners that I don't see. The ones I am so close to that I am blind too. A friend and I were recently talking and she pointed out that sin can happen in the best of our intentions. Meaning that there are things I do out of love and pure motives that can actually be sin. Through humility and His grace He is drawing them out and teaching me about them. It still hurts these moments I am walking through still hurt. Seeing my sin, feeling the pain of betrayal, the sting of bitterness. Caused by me and caused by others. In the end when we all stand before Jesus it wont be like when my kids stand before me trying to explain what happened, trying to make sure I see that it was the other that caused the pain not them. Right now I often run to Jesus to say to Him do you see what they did??? Look at how they hurt me. Do I run to Him though to confess my own sin? To admit to causing other to hurt? Am I ready to take that discipline I need to learn? Am I ready to receive His grace that covers that pain?
Today I didn't learn the lesson. I just saw it. That's growth. I wanted to end this day saying look I finally got it! I finally conquered this issue I have with feeling overwhelmed. Instead I still felt awkward and uncomfortable all day. I felt the tips of anxiousness. I could feel my flesh wanting to fall into it because we know where the anxiousness will take me. I got annoyed at me kids for moving slow and not listening. I felt frustrated that my husband asked me to do more on a day I felt spent. I also felt safe in my saviour's hands. That little step is a huge step for me. Feeling safe in chaos. Feeling like the world actually end because I have more than usual to do. I knew today that despite all my falling short He would still provide this day. So maybe tomorrow I will "get it" but really it may take another few years and I will still probably mess that up even after I "get it". He though will always be there waiting for me. Letting me know the day is His regardless of how little or how much I have on my agenda.

A letter to a long time ago....

2011-01-03T17:11:00.000-08:00

Recently I have become pretty close to a girl who is only 18. She is very sweet and kind. She loves Jesus and very clearly shows that passion for Him to those around her. She inspires me to look at life with the special energy God gives us when we are 18. She also makes me think of that girl I was when I was 18. I had just become a Christian and my faith was more about an emotional experience and personal satisfaction than understanding who He was. So this is a letter to that girl. The one I was so many years ago and the one who has become a dear friend.

To my heart-
Time seems to be fighting you. There always seems to be someone telling you that you aren't enough. Always someone who wants to bring you down and see your fail. There are always be those people waiting for us to fall and stumble. Yet in those moments we lift our eyes and see Christ. He is there holding us and wiping our tears. Hold onto that dear girl. In those moments when the world is fighting you and you know the TRUTH grab onto to it. Take it captive in your heart. Do not be afraid of the words of man. Fear the WORD. This time is special and will never be here again. This time is a gift from our loving daddy, the only time we will ever have all our time to devote to Him. It seems so full now but if a few years on this side of life there wont be hours to spend just sitting quietly in His presence. The time wont exist to pursue other women as friends and spent hours giggling over the silly things we girls laugh at. The moments will be fleeting. There is a strength in you that you don't even see. There is something about the way you want Jesus. He wants you so much more. His heart is after you.
Let Him chase you and hold all men to that standard. Do not listen to the lie of Satan that you need to be married to be holier. Do not believe that you are less of a Christian women because you have no husband. You are God's chosen daughter now in this time. His beloved girl who is being given a chance to discover Him on her own. A chance without the responsibility to take care of your husband, without the noise of kids, without the ties of a home to run. These things are great blessings and something to truly thank God for. They are not the same though. They are separate and not to be compared. They are equal blessing but see where you are now. Don't look for what is next be glad for what you have know. It will bless your future husband and kids if their mother knows Jesus for herself and doesn't need someone to lead her to Him but can follow the Holy Spirit to Him herself.
It all seems to be coming to fast and yet not fast enough. It feels like waiting. A little like a waist. There seems to be people telling you to grow up and not act like a child and yet others wanting you to be young forever. That great in-between. That moment before it all changes. You don't know how this will last, days, weeks, months or years. Live for Jesus in all of it. Don't get caught up in the stage of life. Your wisdom exceeds your age. Don't be afraid to speak truth that He gives you. God has much in store for you and you will see great things in your life. This time now is great because it is His. Those moments will continue to grow and your life will keep moving. Enjoy it! Laugh. Love. Give. Partake. Adore. Marvel. Pray. Take it with a grain of salt and remember we are never as smart as we think we. We will never know as much as God. We will always be subject to His plan. See who He has given you and reach out to them. Trust that Jesus is enough and though all these people will fail you, He will not and cover all the mistakes and hurts.
YOU ARE HIS.

With love-The other side of my heart.

hmm Christmas

2010-12-21T10:24:00.000-08:00

I struggle every year with this time of year. For many many different reasons it seems. Family issues, financial pressure, pressure to provide the absolutely best Christmas experience for my kids ever, guilt over whether I focus to much on others things beside Jesus, worry I don't have enough traditions. Then every year it works out. We have all received the best gift we could have been given through the birth of Christ. How terrible is that we can forget that and be upset that we didn't get the "right"or "best" gift under the tree. I have no objection to gifts. I enjoy getting them and giving them. God has been so good and faithful to me.This last year He has given me so much that I can't even imagine. It has been a long hard year of feeling constantly refined and the feeling of my flesh fighting my spirit. Yet in it all like the calm in the middle of a hurricane there He stands reaching for me and telling me of His peace.

How could I long for more? How can I be upset that it's not working out how I had hoped? It's working out for Him. His baby boy came into the world. I love Christmas time. The beautiful Christmas lights. Yummy food. The smell of pine trees. Little girls in Christmas dresses. Christmas songs playing. Peppermint mocha's. So many little things that I enjoy by the grace of God. Without His baby boy coming and growing into the man who would die on a cross I wouldn't have His grace to enjoy these things. By His grace I will remember that Christmas isn't about Christmas morning. It's about remembering the birth of a humble baby boy who was just as my baby boy did. Small, defenseless, dependent, and wonderful! The lord is good and this year I will hold onto that despite every bad thing and despite every good earthly thing; He is still God and He is always good.

Happy 33!!

2010-12-16T22:33:00.000-08:00

It's Jim's birthday!!!! He is 33!! I love him so dearly. I have only gotten to celebrate 6 birthdays with Jim but I am so thankful for him. I am so glad chose to bring him to this time and place. Happy birthday my dear husband! I pray that over the next year God continues to change you and that by next year we can look back on the this year and shake our heads in disbelief. Because this year you are so different then the man you were last year. I have seen God change your heart and grow you into a leader. A man who loves his kids and wife and it trying to figure out what that means. I have seen you become someone who faithfully serves and and gives without fear. I have watched you fall in love with your beautiful daughters and adorable boy. I have come to know you as my husband and partner in life. You have become a respectful man is lovingly tyring pursue your wife. You have taken on leadership at church and trusted God to provide you with the details.

A special moment

The day his boy came home.

Little Abby's 1st day of preschool.

Daddy and his mini-me

Our family!

The best kind of love

The sweetest of loves

Living in the Chaos for Jesus

So much daddy fun!

Dear Jesus bless my husband! Lord take his heart and bend it to you. Call his name and teach him to call upon your name. With Your power Jim can do anything. Jesus teach him to love his children as you love him. Teach him to love his wife as Christ loved the church. Let him have a heart for the ones who are in need. Father let his lips speak your words. Protect him Jesus. Let his heart, mind and body be used for you. Thank you God. Thank you for all you are and let us all call upon your name to worship you!j

10 months of Squish!

2010-12-14T23:18:00.000-08:00

Oh my! 10 months already. The harder pill to swallow is that it means 2 months until he turns 1! I can't enough of him. He is so calm and patient. His quiet spirit seems to add a special balance to our crazy family! He can crawl, pull himself to standing and has 7 teeth. His smile is seriously pure joy and if you don't smile when he smile at you then you are probably literally dead and should go see a doctor. He stills sleeps through the night, which is new for one of my kids. He loves to eat and I realized that I kept forgetting how old he really is and was short changing him on what he could eat.

I love and adore my Squish. He lights up my day and fills a special spot in my heart that God put there. I didn't even realize was missing until God gave me my little man. I love all his little squaks and squeals. He has been saying "dadada" and "bababa". I can't wait for him to say "mama". Happy 10 months my Squish!

It's Christmas time!!

2010-12-12T22:55:00.000-08:00

Here are some things we have kicked off the Christmas season with!

Decorating the tree; although these 2 were hardly any help ;)

To be fair they weren't very focused either.

Getting ready for their preschool Christmas program. (insert tears here)

This is how stars warm up their voices!

He has been super busy being cute!!

Me and my little girls.

All our kiddos decked out for Christmas.

Notice the legs crossed. She really wanted a picture of it.

So of course she did too.

Eating in Downtown. Really yummy fries!

He was so excited to be out and about.

Look at all those kids for our community groups.

Sweet Friends.

Fabulous on the carousel.

Daddy and Squish!

See how excited Jim was!

Our fun ended with a very wet walk to look at gingerbread houses.

Working it all out....

2010-12-08T15:07:00.000-08:00

God is good. He really truly is. No matter what sin I commit I still am His. It is easy in this fallen world to get caught up in the sin. To forget Jesus didn't not come for my sin He came for me. Recently as pain has invaded my heart I have struggled to believe that the pain is okay. Nothing horrible is happening. On the list of things that have gone wrong in my life the last few weeks wouldn't even make the top 10. That being said when you feel hurt it hurts. Feeling rejected. Feeling that people are seeing you as the one who failed. Being put in a "bad light". Knowing that I did what the Holy Spirit asked of me and yet somehow it didn't work. Than He asked me what didn't work? I wanted to tell Him that I had been obedient to Him said the things I was suppose and they didn't respond how they were suppose to. The words that came though were different. It worked for Him. They didn't respond how the world would define success. No one praised me. No one agreed that they were wrong and I was right. I chose faith though. I chose His way. That's what He wanted. He confirmed my fears. That people weren't going to respond to me the "right" way. That people were going to look at me and see failure. Yet God looked at me and saw obedience. He was satisfied with my response to Him. That's what He was after.

Yet it still hurts. I still feel pain in my heart. The world rejected me again. People that I love dearly and truly care for think less of me. I have cried almost everyday over the last four weeks. Real tears of sadness and pain. His voice the one I am holding onto. His voice asking me if He was still enough? If He was still good in the everyday pain? His desire for me grew. I felt like a weak child with no strength. I wanted to crumple on to the floor and give up. My flesh wanted to quit. My spirit soared!

This is the biggest lesson He has been teaching me that my flesh and spirit do not exist together. They can not live in harmony. I have been trying to make them. Feeling my flesh recoil and want to protect itself has made me tired. It is a battle I am fighting. I don't always win. Some days my flesh wins, it wants to win. My spirit wants Jesus and to loose myself in Him. It is hard to explain with words what I am learning about this. My flesh is so weak and wants to quit and hide. My spirit is full of strength because of Him. I feel like I can make it through all this pain because I am not doing anything He is doing it all. My flesh thinks it's on me.

So the answer to my questions are yes. God is enough. He is what has gotten me through the pain and the sadness. His comfort is perfect. He has taught me how good He really is but that His goodness doesn't take away the pain of sin. It covers sin and heals hurts but that sin hurts. It hurts Him greatly. The pain I feel from it is just a fraction of what He feels from it. It is His grace that it hurts me. He is not the one sinning against me. He is the one saving me. That's where I am at. A big mess! It's a good place to be. It the honest place to be.

Six years of Marriage!

2010-12-03T23:57:00.000-08:00

Holding onto laughter and the little moments He has given us to see the dreams He laid in our hearts.

It seems like a small number. It seems like a short time. Yet years are packed in these last six. Neither of are the people we were the day we married each other and I am overjoyed at this. I loved that person Jim was but if he had never grown or changed into the man he is now I wouldn't be the women I am now. Over the last six years I have watched two sinners grow and learn about repentance. Learn to set aside themselves and try to love. Don't get me wrong we have a long way to go and I am blessed God has given us this gift of marriage to learn from. I will be writing about some lessons I have learned from marriage next but for this post I wanted to talk about this year.

Moments of teaching through tears & joy.

This last year was probably the best year of our marriage and it followed the most difficult. For the first time there is a central picture of Jesus. It is wonderful to see that He is changing us and come to that place that marriage was never about Jim and I being happy but it is about our God drawing us closer. I have watched my husband grow into a leader. I have see him serve humbly. Give generously. He is not perfect and neither am I. We are both sinners learning about grace. I have seen God change our hearts from selfish and guarded sinners to learning to live openly and be Christ to each other. It is amazing because it is Jesus who is doing this because neither one of us would choose this path. I adore my husband because God has given me a heart for him.

God's grace shining on us through a daughter giving to teach us faithfulness and God's true goodness.

These last few months I have learned to trust Jim in an entirely new way. Walking through some hard times with people that I love has helped me to see how much my husband loves me. He has held me while I have cried and been angry. He has showed me grace and called me to repent when I start to dwell on my pain instead of passing it along to Jesus. He has protected me and offered his love. He has encouraged me to keep going through the pain because this is where God has called me at this moment. He has given me a gift of asking me to pursue wisdom from other Godly women. Even if this pain never goes away from the hurt I feel by others God is still good. Jim is helping me learn this. In the roughest moments of my sadness he has been my calm and loved me as Christ does.

The love of one man and one women who are trying to love through the cross.

Lord I pray over the next year you would continue to teach me to be a wife that honors you and brings you glory. That I would serve Jim because I long to show him your Grace. That I would lay aside my own selfish desires for selfless desires. Father I pray for your Love to abound in all the areas we fail not only you but each other. Lord I pray for Jim that you would keep teaching him about you as his Father. That you love him so much; that he would pursue me through you. Jesus teach him how to love me as you love your bride. Father let us both cry out to you when we hurt. Let us fall on our knees daily in repentance of our sin and not allow darkness to invade our hearts, minds, or bodies. Lord you have given us the greatest gift we have, your Son. Let us long to serve you and seek after you so hard that we spur each other towards you simply by living what you have called us too. Let us not recognize the people we are today next year and be surprised at how much we missed this year. Sweet Father let our words be yours. Let our hearts be soft. May we be quick to forgive and take long moments with you. Thank you Jesus for a marriage that is about refining our hearts and not warm fuzzy feelings. Truly you are good!

This is our legacy God has given! Our marriage isn't about us and He is looking at our babies knowing they will have a different story then we had. He is good!

Day 20-A hobby of mine.

2010-12-01T21:19:00.000-08:00

Well let's see hobbies....they kinda of take a back seat to the fact that I have a husband, four kids and ministry things. Does laundry count as a hobby? Or maybe dishes? Does squishing my little ones faces? Probably not. It's probably asking for something really neat like rock-climbing, painting, photography. I don't do those things.

So something I enjoy doing is reading. I feel like I need to start reading more. I used to read all the time and now I hardly ever read. I love books. So I am going to reclaim that "hobby" and redeem it. Not by just reading Christian books but also by rekindling that love I have for fiction, especially English Literature! There are so many I have never read or read when I was younger and didn't understand. There are also a lot of American authors I love that I feel like I could read. I will update back after awhile :)

Day 19-A talent of mine....

2010-11-28T21:28:00.000-08:00

They seem to think I am talented at makin ramen noodles.

Hmm well I have never considered myself a talented person. At least someone who had talents that were visible by others. I can't do anything musical. I am not good at "crafts" at least good enough to call myself talented. One passion has held me since the 1st grade though. Writing. I don't know that I would call myself talented. Others have. I look at others though and see that they are awesome writers. Well written, well thought out. Correct grammar and correct punctuation. I tend to write from my heart. The words spill out and expose what my heart really feels. So the talent isn't actually mine, it belongs to Jesus. Sometimes when I write things I go back to read through and I see a revelation in them that I didn't see when I wrote them. It sounds a bit strange but I do feel that God will give me things to write out. Sometimes they end up on this blog other times just in my journal. When I refuse to spend that time writing them the thoughts feel like like they are trapped in my brain and will take swirl about until they are "set free".

So in that I see the talent. I struggle with it though because I really love writing. I mean it that it was the first grade that I fell in LOVE with the written word. I read everything I could. I would write stories constantly. I dreamed of becoming an author. I compare though to every other person who writes. Wonder why someone doesn't say something about mine and then feel inadequate if someone does say something good about what I have written. I want to be a good writer. I want to do it for the glory of Christ. I don't know if I will ever write what I dream of writing. So far the words have never come together. I pray sometimes that they will. I would love to write a children's book. I may write one someday. I may not. I have recently realized that it is God's hands. He gave me these talents. I will use them for Him regardless of what I get out of them.

Day 18-My wedding day (I am a little behind on my days)

2010-11-22T22:11:00.000-08:00

With my anniversary approaching I thought I should blog this. My wedding day was almost six years ago. December 4th, 2004. It was a day that was full of tension and hope. I thought that it was about getting married and fixing all the problems with my life. I wish I could go back and talk to that girl. She was so confused about what marriage was. I wish she understood that marriage was about Jesus not happy fluffy feelings. Not to talk myself out of the marriage but to reassure myself that the thoughts that I had were okay. That it was going to be hard and scary. That at the end though it was going to be about Jesus. Everything else would have faded away. It wouldn't have mattered about the "stuff' or "family" it would have mattered about Jesus. That day wasn't the best day of my life. It wasn't magical. It was real though. It was the start of this beautiful, wonderful, painful, and sanctification life. It is the best gift God has given me to show me about grace and sacrificial love. Thanks for the wild ride love!

Some other things I am thankful for.

2010-11-22T20:35:00.000-08:00

An adorable little squishy boy!

Family with people God chose! I love you dear sister!

A weekend away that wasn't about rest but refinement.

A fabulous pink sparkle cake.

Seeing the beginnings of one little girl truly learning who Jesus is.

Watching a girl with no fear learn to trust God.

A chubby foot.

A fatherless boy become a man who loves his son dearly.

Sisters.

Silly faces with an Auntie who adores her nieces and nephew.

The Law because she teaches me.

A marriage of two sinners who are learning to trust a perfect God.

A daughter who wasn't loved well learning to love her daughters through the grace of Christ.

I don't have a picture for every person I am thankful for and can't even begin to explain all the people God has given to me over the last year to be thankful for. Thank you to my dear sister, Alicia you make me laugh & cry. Thank you dear little bro, Jordan, you cause me to think. Thank you to the Burr Family who show an amazing strength and grace to me and my family. Thank you to the Geddis family for being willing to walk through the messy parts with us. Thank you to the Kaufman family for the wisdom and peace you offer. To many more people who teach me and love us. You are loved and appreciated.

Giving thanks to God!

2010-11-21T23:06:00.000-08:00

I have much to be thankful for people, things, places, pain, growth, change, so many things. The thing this year though that is overwhelming my heart with thankfulness is my God. Everyday I wake up and feel Him with me. Every single breath I take is because He allows it. My husband, kids and friends are from Him. He is growing me and changing me constantly. It hurts, bad. It makes me cry. Sometimes it literally feels like my flesh wants to pull away from my bones. It also makes me feel encouraged, renewed, and refreshed. So why would I be thankful for this? Because inside where He has placed this burning fire I feel it building. I feel the heat He provides. I hear my name come from His lips. I feel Him with me and all the pain washes away. The pain is real. People have really hurt me but in His light it is bearable. I know He can change me not because of how awesome I am but because of how messy I am and how perfect He is. I serve a perfect and just God. He is always good. Always. In all the really bad pain, the really good times and the everyday walking through life days. That is a lot to be glad for because if this pain wasn't here He wouldn't be caring about my heart and making into somebody who is more loving, kind and obedient. Thank you my Savior, my Father and my Comfort.

A whole hand!

2010-11-11T22:56:00.000-08:00

I can barely believe my sweet Olivia is 5. She is such a joy, challenge, surprising, and full of life. Olivia over the last five years has proved to be very aware of her surroundings and spiritually. We can never slip things pass her. She picks up more things than we do sometimes. She is pretty hilarious too. She has a natural ability to make others laugh. I adore my girl. While she looks so much more like me she is soooo much like Jim. The other day she was very upset at bedtime because her blanket corners were turned up. It is endearing because she is so sweet about it. She adores her brother. She really likes to snuggle him and make him giggle. She loves to play with Saphyre and talk to her. It's funny to watch them together and know that they are so far apart in age but so close as well. I love it when Abby and her play together. It is so full of imagination and creativity. I am excited to watch them all grow and learn together.

Happy Birthday Olivia Lou Who!

Dear Jesus take hold of our girl. She is really your girl. She belongs fully to you. Thank you for five years of growth and beauty. For all the tears, joys, and pains that are there. She is a little girl blessed by you and given such great gifts to bring you glory. I pray that over the next year her faith will grow and that will profess you as her king. Thank you Jesus for Olivia.

Heavy words.

2010-10-31T22:33:00.000-07:00

I heard some heavy words this weekend. My heart felt torn open, my flesh recoiled but my spirit sang. The words cut like a knife; piercing into my heart and exposing my truth. His truth had been replaced again. My truth was spreading. The darkness trying to overtake like a cancer. The joy the pain brings though. As if to say we caught it early it wont be hard to remove. It will hurt. There will be a scar but this time the scar wont be as big. The wound will heal because He is the surgeon. He has already taken care if it. The words sank deeper and I felt the tears come. I want to run. I want to get mad and pass the blame. Mostly I want to be in His arms and trust that He is right. His truth rings in my ears. He asks me "when have I failed you" "when have I left you alone?" It hurts deeper. I cannot stay here. The pain to much to bare. He whispers "I know" The pain He bore was enough. My pain will bring me closer to Him. My hurt will show more of His grace. I will not arrive. I will not be accomplished. I WILL be His. I AM HIS. He has given me His Son. He has given me a new heart, a new life and an eternity to be free.

8 months of wonderful squishy boyness!!

2010-10-18T06:04:00.000-07:00

That's rigth my little squish is 8 months! Where has it gone? I miss my tiny boy but honestly this is my second favorite baby stage. First is always brand new newborns ahh they melt my heart. I love the baby chub at this age, the near constant smiles, the babbling! My boy is so adorable too. He melts his mama's heart every day. Nothing can brighten a moment quite like a smile from my baby. Chaucer is growning so fast. He can crawl and has 6 teeth. He sleeps through the night. One of my favorite things is when he sees his favorite people. His daddy, mama or sisters are up there. He laughs almost everytime he sees one of his sisters. They seem to live to make him smile or laugh. He adores his daddy and loves his dady snuggles (as long as daddy isn't laying down) he doesn't seem to really like to lay down too much. I have to say that the smile I get when I walk into the room breaks me everytime. Hopefully I get a little tougher as the years go on. : ) He also loves his Auntie Alicia so much. She is still the best at holding him to sleep. Overall Chaucer is a delight. He adds a wonderful balance to all the crazzy that is our family. He is super chill and can go pretty much anywhere with me cause he just wiggles and smiles! Thanks for 8 awesome months little squish.

At your dedication.

The happiest little boy!

Day 17-A piece of Art

2010-10-10T23:18:00.000-07:00

My God made this. He is the best artist. I love that all around me screams His perfect artistry. It is even more amazing that one day my eyes will gaze upon something even more amazing!

Family Pictures!

2010-10-10T23:09:00.000-07:00

I was extremely lucky to be online when my dear friend Angie posted a contest to win a free photo session!! She is extremely talented. Check her out on my side bar. One Thousand Word Photography. I was so glad to get to just see her and hang out with that the pictures were just a bonus. Here are some of my favorites.

fight.

2010-09-30T09:40:00.000-07:00

Getting ready. I can feel it. It's coming like a monster lurking in the darkness it's about to jump. I am ready. I am not running. You do not scare me anymore. It's not about you and me anymore. It's about more. It's between Him and me. That's right He is on my side so I can't loose. He flanks me, has my back and stands before me. The war has an end. It's already been decided. The battle may hurt and cause some bleeding and scars but the end for Him has come. He has seen it. He made it. You stand no chance. In the end you are nothing and will wash away and burn. I will stand with Him and hear His victory song. You may be ready to pounce but I am ready to take the hit and fight back. There is nothing you can do or take. It isn't yours. It is HIS. They are His and He will lift their veils and how them His glory.

First Day of school-Olivia! (Pre-K)

2010-09-28T14:58:00.000-07:00

She refused to smile at school. She gets very nervous sometimes.

Oh Daddy snuggles!

After school she was so happy about her first day!

Getting ready showing her Pre-K not preschool pose.

Fabulous!!

Mommy and Olivia.

Olivia has grown so quickly! Seems like yesterday she was my baby girl!. She was excited to go and after some adjustments she is doing well. She never really fully understood that it wouldn't be the same kids. So it was a little hard for her to understand where all her friends were. Olivia will do well with the structure of the Pre-K class, which she is very quick to remind you that it is in fact Pre-K not preschool. I look forward to watching her learn and grow. She is wicked smart and takes in so much. I am glad for my big girl!

1st day of school-Abby!!

2010-09-26T08:21:00.000-07:00

At school with her Buzz Lightyear backpack. She was soooo excited!

With mom and dad.

She is so adorable and I can't believe she is old enough for preschool!

Trying to get a smiling picture.

A pirate smile is Abby's greatest smile.

Hanging out with baby "brudder".

One with Mama.

Oh Abby I love your face you are so cute!

Abigail I love you! I can't believe you are big enough for preschool. She has been so small for so long. Well she still is so small but something about her seems bigger. I am glad for this chance to send her to preschool. She loves it! She is so glad to be in Teacher Nicky's class; the same one Olivia had last year. She loves to get ready for school and put on her Buzz Lightyear packback and walk all by herself to class. She is so different from Olivia. She doesn't need me to stay and watch her wash her hands. She really doesn't notice me leave or worry about my return. She is so excited to check her box at the end of everyday and get a sticker from Teacher Bonnie's office. My sweet Abby I look forward to watching you grow and learn this year!

Day 16-A song that brings tears to my eyes.

2010-09-22T21:28:00.000-07:00

O Lord my God,

When I in awesome wonder

Consider all

The works Thy Hand hath made,

I see the stars,

I hear the mighty thunder,

Thy pow'r throughout

The universe displayed;

When through the woods

And forest glades I wander

I hear the birds

Sing sweetly in the trees;

When I look down

From lofty mountain grandeur

And hear the brook

And feel the gentle breeze;

Then sings my soul,

My Saviour God, to Thee,

How great Thou art!

Then sings my soul,

My Saviour God, to Thee,

How great Thou art!

When Christ shall come,

With shouts of acclamation,

And take me home,

What joy shall fill my heart!

Then I shall bow

In humble adoration

And there proclaim,

"My God, how great Thou art!"

Then sings my soul,

My Saviour God, to Thee,

How great Thou art!

Then sings my soul,

My Saviour God, to Thee,

How great Thou art!

Day 15. Where my heart rests.

2010-09-22T21:20:00.000-07:00

My dream house.

This is something Jim and I talk a lot about. It is one of our favorite conversations. I will break it down by different locations of the house. First though my dream house is one that is full of family, laughter, loud crazy fun and the grace of Christ. Regardless of what any home looks like that is my dream and honestly we are pretty close to having it now. We are blessed with good family in Christ and lots of funny people who I adore.

It's a Dutch Colonial. When I was a little girl we would play life and there was Dutch Colonial house on one of the cards and I fell in love with it and have loved that style ever sense. The other style I really love is the big farm look with a wrap around porch.

I used to think I wanted everything separate and closed off. Each room separate from the other. Now though living life with family and community I want it open. I want to see everything from my kitchen. I feel like my heart and love flow from the kitchen. It's where I prepare meals for those I love. I couldn't tell you if I wanted hard woods or carpet because I go back and forth. I think I want hard wood with some big throw rugs out. I want pictures of my family filling the rooms. I want lots of comfy soft blankets for people to wrap up in and yummy smells filling my house. I really want my home to be a place that is filled with laughter and love. I want it to be real and invite into out chaos and not over for a meal but over to our lives.

A real family.

2010-09-15T22:47:00.000-07:00

This was the last week of our CG as we have known it. We replicate next week. This summer our leaders decided that before we planted we would share our stories. Some of us had done this before; others had never shared before. Each week a couple would share their stories together one week at a time. People shared their hearts with each other. It was beautiful to see. It was the Holy Spirit. Week after week men and women shared hurts and pains caused by mothers and fathers, church leadership, and even brothers and sisters in Christ. We shared sin that had been committed against us and sins we have committed against others. Some shared things they had never spoken to other people. We learned of struggles and spiritual attacks in people’s lives. We cried for each other. We laughed with each other too over our own foolishness and joys. After each story we responded and had a chance to ask questions and pray for each other. There were certainly moments of misstep and things that were confusing. Underneath it all though was family.

Each time people shared that they had been hurt by people they had shared with before relief came because we all had been there and while there were things shared we couldn’t have expected nothing was too much for the Holy Spirit to guide us through. I have never felt as loved as I did when people who I cared so much about stepped out in faith trusting Jesus and shared things they had been hiding. Trusting me with their hearts. Christ is the only reason. He is the reason there is no fear and that even if again we were hurt by sharing all these “messy” parts Jesus is still enough.

Our group is very different and everyone has a very different story of where they came from and who their families on earth are. Every person shared though the same struggles because all sin is the same. We all shared loneliness, a feeling of not belonging, and pride. These things though in the light hold nothing because these are the things Jesus took to the cross. We are all so different and some may have never been friends or hung out outside of being in the same CG but God brought us together. He made us family and brought us together to learn from each other. Honestly I probably wouldn’t have picked most of, if any of these people for “my team” but the grace is that Christ picked them and me to be on the same team. Through all the challenges and mishaps that have come along the way we have become a family brought together by the blood of Christ not by the blood of our mothers and father.

Now we separate and form two new groups but still part of the same bigger family. We are called to pray for and encourage each other towards the cross. Our last night our leader asked us to do this. It was beautiful and encouraging. I closed my eyes and prayed, out loud and in my own head. I remember feeling at one time as if I could open my eyes and literally see the Holy Spirit standing in my living room. It was a mix flowing through me of sadness of seeing this time end and joy of knowing God was the one who brought these people together and formed each group. Our God is good and He knows what we need long before we ever do. He knew what we each needed to learn from each other and I am excited to see what He has planned to teach us next.

Happy Birthday Friend!

2010-09-13T07:27:00.000-07:00

I have this wonderful friend whose birthday is today. She has over the last year become my sister. Alicia and I met last summer when we were doing BBQ's at our house she started coming with Jordan. Honestly at first I wasn't sure that we would be very good friends. I really liked her but wasn't sure we has a lot in common. This is one reason I am thankful for a Lord who is bigger than me because over the last year Alicia has become one of the greatest friends I have ever had. She loves me and my family. She is a great person and I am very excited to see her grow closer to Jesus and understand more about Him. I am glad that I have many years of being her family left.

So friend to show you how much I love you here is a lost of 24 things I love about you. As you know lists are the highest honor I give. ;)

1. Your heart for Jesus.
2. That every time you are around we laugh, sometimes cry, and laugh again.
3. When you take my kids on special days that you take a lot of time to plan out.
4. Teen Mom/16 and Pregnant....cause you totally get why it's horribly funny.
5. Your heart of service! It is an example to everyone around you.
6. That God's timing is the best possible timing for you and that you are okay with waiting for Christ.
7. That you are real about where you are and what heart struggles with.
8. When you ask for prayer or text to say you are praying for me.
9. That you look like Barbie.
10. That Chaucer's face lights up when he sees you.
11. Going to Disneyland with you.
12. How much change and growth I have gotten to see you in over the last year.
13. That you can hold your own with Jim.
14. You help me understand what my husband is saying since you two are more alike.
15. You introduced me to those awesome cookies and even if you gave me nothing else ever those cookies would be enough!
16. You give sacrificially and joyfully!
17. Talking to you about pretty anything and everything....you may not always have the answers but you always listen.
18. You are loyal down to your core.
19. That even though you have been through much you still have so far to go. (by the way we all do)
20. That I don't have to say something with words for you understand what I am saying.
21. You are the best Aunt to my kids ever!!!
22. You LOVE Target too!
23. That Christ paid for you with His blood and you live in that.
24. That no matter what Christ made us family and though we are not blood related we are sisters through His blood and that is eternal.

I love you dear friend!! You are someone who is in my heart and will not ever leave it. Happy Birthday Alicia.

A bonus 25 one cause you that awesome.
25. You totally get the hilarity of sprakly people and why that is sooooo funny.

Day 14 a non-fiction book

2010-09-08T20:32:00.000-07:00

Sacred Influence by Gary Thomas.

I have read several marriage books and many are about how to and the steps to take to be better. This one is different. Gary Thomas writes it real. When I am reading these words I understand what he is talking about. He writes it from a man's perspective and is honest about the husband's responsibility in the marriage but very real about how a wife can greatly influence her husband. It not a pie in the sky do these steps and your marriage will be fixed in a couple months. He even mentions a couple times that some issues and struggles will be around our entire marriage. It is encouraging to know that Jim and I aren't crazy just normal sinful Christians trying to figure it all out.

Abby and the Holy Spirit.

2010-09-07T22:58:00.000-07:00

"Joshua summoned them, and he said to them, “Why did you deceive us, saying, ‘We are very far from you,’ when you dwell among us? Now therefore you are cursed, and some of you shall never be anything but servants, cutters of wood and drawers of water for the house of my God.” They answered Joshua, “Because it was told to your servants for a certainty that the Lord your God had commanded his servant Moses to give you all the land and to destroy all the inhabitants of the land from before you—so we feared greatly for our lives because of you and did this thing. And now, behold, we are in your hand. Whatever seems good and right in your sight to do to us, do it.” So he did this to them and delivered them out of the hand of the people of Israel, and they did not kill them. But Joshua made them that day cutters of wood and drawers of water for the congregation and for the altar of the Lord, to this day, in the place that he should choose."
Joshua 9:22-27

I read these words today. God asked me to read Joshua and to be honest so far I have gotten very little out of it. I feel like it has been a lot of walking across a river and moving the Ark of the covenant. Today when I read this. I saw fear the Gibeonites. That they didn't trust God with their lives and tried to make it work themselves. You could ask my husband but it is one of my greatest struggles is letting go and trusting God, especially when it looks like I may not get what I want out of things. I asked God to show me how to trust and He showed me Abby. I have a daughter who has no fears almost. She reacts with the ultimate childlike faith in all situations. She trusts that her dad or I will always be there to catch her. Sadly her dad and I aren't all knowing and that has lead to some tumbles and pains. He reminded me though of the day we went swimming and Abby wanted to jump into the pool. She looked at me with her big eyes and jumped again and again. Trusting me as I moved a little farther away each time. Her faced was lit up with joy not only when I caught her but when she was jumping not knowing if I would catch her. God showed me my heart; that I am joyful when He catches me but I am not joyful when I jump. I am not trusting His journey and plan. I fight kicking and screaming. Terrified of where I am going to land. In this I am missing His love and faithfulness. I don't see His outstretched arms waiting to hold me. His proud face encouraging me that I will not fail because He is the one catching me.

Abby is only 3 and half. I realize that theologically she is not where she needs to be. She has no training and only knows what we tell her. The Holy Spirit is bigger than that. He inspires and creates without the worlds ability to teach. When I look at my sweet girl I feel like I can see what someone who lives completely in the Holy Spirit looks like. The reckless love and living in no fear but that of her Father. I see what God means when He says a childlike faith. I love it when God teaches me through my lovely little people.

God is Faithful and He has never failed and always delivers me to where I need to be. Thank you Jesus for all you do.

Day 13 fiction book.

2010-09-05T00:23:00.000-07:00

I am a sucker for children's books. They light me up. It is one of my secret dreams to write children's books. I love beautiful illustrations. I love books that are smart and funny. That go beyond simple stories but carry heart through the pages. I have some that the kids aren't allowed to touch because I don't want them ruined. I love lots of books and have read many, many books. I have always had a special place in my heart for children's books. One of my favorites is Olivia the Pig by Ian Falconer. I have an Olivia and while she is not named after the book her named was partly inspired by it.

I find the books to be pretty awesome. I love the way he illustrates the stories, with just splashes of reds. I also find Olivia hilarious! She is a lot like my Olivia. The perspective of the way her life looks is so funny but also so real and full of heart. I adore it!! It is witty and yet appropriate for kids, my kids are not going to repeat things from those books that would make me cringe. I am glad to have it for my sweet Olivia and hope she can read it to her kids and that they can enjoy it too!

Day 12-something I am OCD about.

2010-09-03T21:24:00.000-07:00

I would have to say that I am OCD about several things but they aren't consistent most of the time. I tend to obsess about something depending on what mood or moment I am living in. One thing that I does bug me and I have to fix everything time is the position of straws in cups. If it has a lid I have to push it all the way down right away. Jim leaves his up and it BUGS me. Sometimes I try to push it down but he really doesn't like me to touch it. When his cup is sitting there he could care less about it and usually does not push it all the way down. When there is no lid and the straw kind of bounces back up I will drink it down so the straw will stay put. I get really bugged when straws are too long for the cups. I even carry scissors with me so I can cut straws down. I realize this is crazy and makes no sense.

Day 11 a photo of me now.

2010-09-02T23:26:00.001-07:00

Day 10-a photo of me over 10 years ago.

2010-08-31T14:38:00.000-07:00

This is me at about 8 months.

Tears on my shoulder.

2010-08-30T22:15:00.000-07:00

Today I was blessed by a dear friend who I love very much. She hasn't been feeling well lately and we have gotten to take her a meal. We have talked for a bit. She shared her heart with me. Her pain and struggle. She shared with me how God is teaching her through this pain. I asked her if I could pray for her. While we hugged we prayed. I asked for God to heal her adn comfort her. She cried. My shoulder was wet with her tears. My heart swelled with love for my friend. How blessed was I in that moment? I felt so loved. It was strange that I would be the one leaving feeling loved. I hoped she felt loved. I hope I served her well. She certainly taught me about humbleness and grace as she showed it through her weakness and tears. She showed me Jesus in those tears.

Day 9-a photo I took.

2010-08-30T09:35:00.000-07:00

Little Olivia and a big tree.

Day 8 a photo that makes me sad??

2010-08-30T08:36:00.000-07:00

This is Olivia sick and not much is sadder than my little babies being sick.

Day 7 a photo that make me happy.

2010-08-28T16:33:00.000-07:00

Day 6-A List!!!! 20 things that make me happy.

2010-08-27T15:11:00.000-07:00

I have to admit I am really excited about today's blog. List are one of my favorite things!

1. The Trinity. Father God, Holy Spirit and Jesus get me through everyday.
2. My dear husband and lovely kids.
3. This crazy mashed up mix of a family God has given me.
4. Laughing out loud.
5. Empty laundry baskets.
6. Figuring out how to do something new on my own.
7. Making lists, everything in my brain is on either a mental list or an actual one.
8. Hearing peoples hearts and seeing God's grace in their stories.
9. Volunteering at the church office. They are so funny there and work so hard.
10. Going to Target.
11. Ice cold Diet Coke in a can with a yummy sandwich.
12. Summer berries!
13. The way the end of summer feels.
14. Alicia Tuesdays.
15. Doing dishes when everyone is sleep and quiet.
16. Iced vanilla mocha's in the summer and caramel apple cider in the fall.
17. New unopened school supplies.
18. The way new socks feel.
19. Disneyland!!!!
20. Encouragement from the Holy Spirit cause nothing can compare to the feeling of knowing it's God that is teaching you!

it's all in how you say it. Day 5-a favorite quote

2010-08-26T17:07:00.000-07:00

" And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose." Romans 8:28

This verse feeds my soul. It is one that on one day when I first started this walk with Jesus four people gave to me in one way or another. Separate from each other and not knowing what was swirling around in my heart or head. It grabbed me and held on. The Holy Spirit knows what He is doing. I am not saying this verse saved me or caused me not to walk away from God. I don't believe God is wishy washy and just quits like that. I do know that this verse in the last 9 years has gotten me through some of the hardest and darkest moments. I don't like the term "life verse" because really all the verses are life verses. I do think that some verse touch a little deeper and attach themselves a little deeper to your soul. I love that it isn't talking about feel good happy moments that make you feel "good' but the goodness of Christ. That one day all these things that will fade away will lead to His perfect goodness. I will stand before Him and not hurt, be jealous, cry, be angry, or want for anything more. I will taste His glory and not just for the moment for eternity. I know that when I serve Him according to what He ask me to do my reward is way better than an ice cream cone or new shoes it is His perfection. Really what could be better than that?

rest.

2010-08-25T22:12:00.000-07:00

In you sweet Lord do I rest! My body, soul, and spirit longs for you. My body seems so weak and unable to hold up. You are holding me up. I cry. Help me cry to you. In your hands I fall. All of me seems to thirst for comfort and all me wants to quit. All of you, in all your glory, carries me over. I do not succeed because of my works. I only succeed in your grace. Let me dwell on that. You have blessed me with those few who offer love here on earth. Those who I can serve, love, and live with. Who take me closer to you. You have given your son in place of me. I am not lost. I am not alone. Even in those moments when no one is there you surround me and cover my hurts. Thank you my God. You are my God and you love me. Let me love you with all I am. I am tired and worn through. Some moments I don't think I can move any farther. Then you take my hand like the Father you are and show me the way. You talk with me as your friend and show me what it is I can do through you. You love me greater then anyone else ever could. Lord give me rest! Let my body be refreshed, my soul and heart rejoice with the energy of the Holy Spirit.

Day 4 favorite book.

2010-08-25T14:16:00.000-07:00

I would put down the Bible but I feel as though the "book" does not actually describe what the Bible is. The Bible is the living word of God so it's in it's own category.

My favorite book is "Little Women" by Louisa May Alcott. I love it! I first read it when I was around 10. I have read it since more times than I can count. Every time I cry, laugh and get mad. I cry when Beth and Jo are talking before she goes. Then at the Poem Jo write about the four chests. I get mad every time Jo chooses to leave Laurie and go away and then falls for that professor. Then when Laurie comes home with Amy from Europe that is a bittersweet moment. I love the devotion between the sisters and that even though they are each so different they have a bond. I always feel conflicted about Jo and Laurie's relationship. Part of my heart knows what her mom does and sees the pain the it would cause them to be together. The other part adores it when she calls him "her boy" and "teddy". I am glad for the friendship that weaves it way through and that they are always friends ans ready to serve each other with friendship.

Day 3 TV.

2010-08-24T22:26:00.000-07:00

My favorite TV program??? That's a hard one. My favorite show was "Heroes" but they cancelled that so now it will never make since. I really enjoy Psych but I wouldn't say it my favorite. I like a lot of silly shows like Project Runway and Top Chef but none of these are favorites. I guess the closest to a favorite is either Gilmore Girls or West Wing.

Now looking at those two shows they seem to have nothing related to each other. One is about a single mom and her daughter and the silliness of their lives. One is about the people who work for the president and their relationships with each other. I wouldn't call either of them "soapy" they aren't about who is hooking up with each other or lots of fights. So I guess I will write about both.

First: Gilmore Girls I first started watching when I was in high school. I watched it on and off until Jim and I got married. Then somehow we started watching it together. He thought it was silly. I think what I liked about it was the relationship between the mom and daughter but also how the whole town they lived in was family and supported each other. You know me I am a sucker for family that isn't really related. Those connections go straight to my heart and live there. It was also very witty and sarcastic. I enjoyed the fast pace tone of it. Jim says I talk like them, random and disconnected but it totally makes sense to me. Jim and I watched it to the end although I thought by the end it wasn't as good as it was when it started. It felt like it lost a little heart. It was shuffled around between networks or something so I think that was part of the problem. I will still watch it when I see it on.

Second: West Wing I never watched this show before I met Jim. I remember the first time when he showed it to me. It was a Labor Day marathon and we watched two episodes and I was hooked then we had to leave. If you know the show it was the episode where POTUS got shot. It was chaos and nobody knew what was happening. Then we watched the first few minutes of the next episode where they show Josh shot and bloody. The limo with POTUS in it flips around to rush him to the hospital because they realize he was actually shot and bleeding. Looking back so rude that Jim made me leave and not finish watching it. After that I was hooked. I love the characters. Again they seemed like a family, connected by something deeper than their job. It wasn't so much the political side of it. That was almost second to the characters interactions with each other. It was really well written and well acted. Again fast paced, sarcastic and very smart wit. After Sam (Rob Lowe) left and then Aaron Sorkin was fired it wasn't nearly as good. Although it had some strong moments. It ended well. I felt by the end and the way they did it made me want to see more. I knew though that it wouldn't really have enough to make it any more seasons.

So I guess these are my favorites......

Day 2-Yes it really is....

2010-08-23T14:33:00.000-07:00

I have several favorite movies. It is a pretty solid list that doesn't move around a lot or new ones added to it. Tombstone, Roman Holiday, The Count of Monte Cristo, Pride and Prejudice, Fever Pitch, A Knights Tale, and a few others. My favorite movie though that I will always watch. If I see it on TV I always stop. It is Back to the Future 2. I like 1 and 3 is kind of lame but BTTF 2 is my favorite. I love how cheesy and funny it is. AS a a younger girl I had a crush on Michael J. Fox. Really it was from Family Ties, what can I say apparently short straight laced sarcastic republicans are my type. I love that the future they traveled too isn't really to far from now 2015 is only five years aways and I don't think we will have flying cars or automatic fitting clothiers but we can dream right. It is just one of those movies that makes me happy and laugh. I love laughing. It fills my heart and if something or someone can make me laugh out loud then it wins a place in my heart.

Mountain of God.-Day 1.

2010-08-22T19:50:00.000-07:00

My favorite song would have to be "Mountain of God" by Third Day. It is one of those songs that fills my spirit and I can listen to it over and over again. I first heard about a year after becoming a Christian and it touched my heart. I am not what I consider a music person or someone who has a type of music. I listen to the radio in the car and change the dial a lot. I actaully don't like to listen to the "Christian station" much cause I find it pretty cheesy. I have many songs for many moods. For most of my favorites there is a time, place or person that is attached to it. A feeling that sparks my heart and makes me remember whatever I was doing when I heard it. The same thing can be said about the songs I hate. There are some that irritate me and grate my nerves as soon as I hear the beginning if it.

30 days of blogging!

2010-08-22T19:40:00.000-07:00

My friend Addie posted this blog and I thought it sounded fun too. So I stole the idea although since she found it online I don't think it is actaully theft :) We will see how I do.

Day 1 - a favorite song
Day 2 - a favorite movie
Day 3 - a favorite television program
Day 4 - a favorite book
Day 5 - a favorite quote
Day 6 - 20 of your favorite things
Day 7 - a photo that makes you happy
Day 8 - a photo that makes you angry/sad
Day 9 - a photo you took
Day 10 - a photo taken over 10 years ago of you
Day 11 - a photo of you recently
Day 12 - something you are OCD about
Day 13 - a fictional book
Day 14 - a non-fictional book
Day 15 - your dream house
Day 16 - a song that makes you cry (or nearly)
Day 17 - an art piece (drawing, sculpture, painting, etc)
Day 18 - my wedding/future wedding/past wedding
Day 19 - a talent of yours
Day 20 - a hobby of yours
Day 21 - a recipe
Day 22 - a website
Day 23 - a youtube video
Day 24 - where you live
Day 25 - your day, in great detail
Day 26 - your week, in great detail
Day 27 - your worst habit
Day 28 - what's in your handbag/purse
Day 29 - hopes, dreams, and plans for the next 365 days
Day 30 - a dream for the future

Time flies when you are having fun....

2010-08-21T21:29:00.000-07:00

Here are some facts about our little guy Chaucer being six months already!!!

1. He is wonderfully squishy.
2. He has two bottom teeth.
3. Abby really likes to call him "buddy" and tell him he can't eat her food.
4. He sleeps through the night!!!! This is amazing cause his sisters didn't get ther until much later.
5. He doesn't cry himself to sleep he just goes to sleep, this still freaks me out.
6. My favorite nicknames for him are: squish face, little bug or buggy and Chaucaritto.
7. He is pretty much the cutest little baby boy ever!
8. He can roll from his back to his tummy but gets really annoyed but hasn't figured out how to get back yet.
9. He adores his daddy, his sisters and his Auntie Alicia. The smiles prove it.
10. He is very difficult to put sleep if I am holding him.
11. Auntie Alicia is the one who can cuddle and jiggle him to sleep.
12. The girls simply love him with a reckless carefree love that will come in handy when other girls start coming around.
13. He melts his mama's heart everyday.
14. Spitting up seems to make him happy.
15. I love him in such a different way than my lovely girls.
16. He is joyful even when Abby is "helping" him.
17. He really enjoys Saphyre's gentle snuggles.
18. He likes that Olivia always brings him his "teethers."
19. He can almost sit up. It is pretty cute though to watch him wobble all around.
20. He is my gift from God. On loan for me and Jim to raise and teach about his perfect Father in Heaven. Even in his young age he teaches his mama a lot about God's grace and sanctification.

Summer favorites!

2010-07-25T19:28:00.000-07:00

I enjoy summer. It is my third favorite season after Fall (1) and Spring (2). I consider it more a season for children to love. There are a few things I adore about this time of year though.

I love the way my kids smell like dirt and sunscreen.
I love that it is sunny past 8pm.
I adore going to a grocery store in the evening alone and how calm it is.
Playdates at the beach.
BBQ's with friends.
My kid's shiny sunscreen skin.
Endless parade of sundresses without tights and sweaters.
Ice cold Diet Coke from a can.
Watching the girls play in a pool.
Clear blue skies.
Rainy warm afternoons.
Summer fruit.
Sunkissed faces and tan arms and legs
Crayons for a quarter.
God's grace which is in every season!!!

Happy 10th Birthday Saphyre!!

2010-06-25T21:56:00.000-07:00

Saphyre turned 10! It is crazy to look at her and think she is 10. I have known her for 6 years. I rememnber the first time I met her was at McDonalds and she kept swinging on the table. I know her daddy car barely imagine that his little girl is now 10. Saphyre has been through so much in her short life. She carries a heavy load. She is constantly split in two. She can never have all the people she loves most together or be a part of all of everyone day to day lives. I try to show that with all she has to bear God must think she can handle much because He loves her so much and wants her completely for Himself.

She is completely different from me personality wise and completely me emotionally. She is artistic and floaty. She loves to draw and sees things in a different way than most people. Her heart is bigger and more compassionate than most anybody I know. She is not a born leader but a great supporter. She adores her brother and all her sisters. They adore her right back. She has so many talents and abilities that make me marvel at her. She is the opposite of who I was at 10 and I love it! Thank you Saphyre for being my 1st child and although you did not come from my body you were decided to be my child be Jesus long before either of us took our first breath,

I pray for you sweet girl that you would always keep the sweetness and heart God has blessed you with. I pray that over this next year your faith becomes more your own and more passionate. As you walk through hard times and face your fears that you know not only are your daddy and I here to lift you up but that ultimately Christ is right beside you and He took the hits first. I pray that you would find you journey to be one with both peaks a valleys so that you may see the GRACE God gives you in both areas. That pride, selfishness and anger would not be a part of who you are but that when faced with these you would turn your back and call His name to fight the sin. I pray most that you would understand how much He loves you and how much you are His!

I love you Saphyre!

Thanks Jesus

2010-06-25T19:45:00.000-07:00

My heart lately has been heavy. Dealing with fighting off sin and feeling worn down and as though the burden is on my shoulders is to much. Then I start to doubt. I start to feel entitled and as those around me should be serving me. Then my heart starts to harden and I doubt my Lord's decisions. Lucky for me I am not stronger, smarter, or more powerful than Jesus. I hear Him. He is in my heart and knows my weaknesses. I have felt encouraged that I know in this time where I struggle to let go He is holding onto me like a Father holding onto a child throwing a fit. He has given me people who speak truth into my life and offer encouragement that doesn't point me to me but back to the cross.

I miss my friends. I have good friends I see often but I miss those few that understand all the back story. I feel discouraged in parenting Olivia and Saphyre. I feel as though maybe I am letting Abby down by not having her already potty-trained. I struggle with feeling like I am not loving those around me well enough because I am focused on myself. I don't serve my husband well enough and take out many frustrations on him. I am worried that I can't be a good mom to Chaucer because the women in my family have not loved their sons well. Satan knows all these because I spent many years hiding them and taking them to him to fix first. He likes to whisper these doubts to my heart and tell me Jesus isn't enough to cover it all and that Jesus thinks I'm a joke. I am blessed to have been taught over the last year that Redemption and Grace are not earned and really not even for me to try to understand. They are my gifts to accept. He has been reminding lately that when I am to weak He went first. It already done!

While these words will fade away and mean nothing really. Thank you to Jesus. My Redeemer. My Friend. My Savior.

I am blessed.

2010-06-21T23:09:00.000-07:00

I am blessed because I have a God who loves me with a perfect and steadfast love! He carries me when I am to weak to walk. He holds me close and safe to His chest when the rains hit my face. His voice sings me a lullaby when all the noise tries to drown out His voice. His feet chase me to the end of myself and do not quit just because I keep running. His hands wipe my tears that fall from my face. He lifts my arms with His to help me worship Him. His wisdom teaches beyond what I can earthly understand. His words feed my soul when I am starved. His relief queches my thrist when I my thoart burns with fire. He sustains my life by giving His own.

I love my kids.

2010-06-10T17:34:00.000-07:00

I am deeply madly in love with my kids. I wish my camera was working so I could capture all these moments that are slipping by.

Chaucer I love your baby talk and that you shove your hands into mouth. I love that you seem to enjoy spitting up all over everyone. I love that you are my precious little squish face.

Abigail I love that you like to randomly tell me that people they are yours i.e. "Your my mommy". I love that you march to your own drum and care nothing for conforming to your sisters. I love your silly hair that looks so cute up but is a hot mess when it is down unless it is the couple hours after bath time.

Olivia I love that you know who you are and that you stand your ground when you know truth. I love that you have more style then the rest of us. I love that you talk like you are from "the valley".

Saphyre I love that you want to make up games for your sisters to play even though they rarely comply to them. I love that you like to draw pictures for people. I love that even though you love to read if asked to read you don't want to.

I find myself in awe of all these little people and more in awe of how complex and different God has made them. Each have such different strengths and weaknesses. Each have hearts that God will mold. I have no idea what they will do with their lives and what the plan is for them. I know that God has them in His mighty hands and that wherever they go He goes with them. My heart hopes that God's plan is to keep them all near to me and that as they grow and someday have their own families they are around and that my home is always filled with their chaos. Thank you dear children for pulling me outside of myself and forcing me to my knees to cry out to God. Without each of you I would be a much more selfish, lazy, lonely person.

3 whole months!

2010-05-17T23:13:00.000-07:00

Chaucer is 3 months now. He is so cute. Seriously I don't really know how he can be getting more and more cute but everyday there is his little face adorable and squishy. He is 13lbs 10oz now. He is very laid back and very sweet. I am sure being the youngest of three crazy sisters helps :) He is so alert and aware of all the things going on. He loves to look around and see people. His smile is heartbreakingly cute. He is sleeping better, not great but good. It about 4-5 hours a night. He is not a binky baby but loves to suck on his hand! He will take a binky but only if I hold it in his mouth.

God has certainly continued walk me through the challenge me through this hard stage of newborn. I love the simpleness of this stage and while I look forward to more sleep I will miss the sweetness of these few months. My little man is a baby now. He is a true blessing. Everyday we are grateful just to be able to hold him and smell his sweet baby smell. Thank you Jesus for are precious baby. We adore him and look forward to watching him grow.

Thoughts of a childless single Karina.

2010-05-13T08:37:00.000-07:00

I had a conversation with my friends this afternoon, all married all have at least 2 kids, about things we never thought we would do as a parent before we had kids. These are some of mine.

1. Leashes for children. Pre-Child thought: "They are completely degrading to the child and I would never treat my child like that." Post-Child: "I have 2 hands. 3 kids. A busy parking lot or street. Pick squished kid or kid on a leash."

2. Movies/TV. Pre-Child: "I will never let TV or Movies distract my kids." Post-Child: "I got 2 hours of sleep, I am sick. This show is long for me to lay on the couch and snuggle them and not have to do anything."

3. Snacks to keep them quiet. Pre-child thought: "I would never do that because my kids wont freak out and just scream" Post-Child: "Sometimes it is not worth the fight. Sometimes it is nap time and we have to go. Sometimes I don't want to deal with the looks from the cranky old ladies so fishy crackers are okay right now."

4. Crafts. Pre-Child: "I will do wonderful detailed projects for my kids everyday." Post-Child: "A coloring book is a project. So is letting them help with chores."

5.Clothes. Pre-Child:"My kids will always look clean, dressed nice, and cute." Post-Child: "We have to leave the house and they need to be covered. They are already cute and who cares is the lady giving me a dirty look because they are already screaming think they need a bath."

6. Disicipline. Pre-Child: "My kids will be smart enough and aware enough that I wont have to do much." Post-Child: "This is hard and constant. They are smart enough to disobey but always to listen to the truth. If all of life is repentance then that means even as kids we are to offer love and repentance but they have to be taught that and it's not easy."

7. Jesus. Pre-Child: "My kids will just know Jesus because we are Christians. My own walk will be easy and natural." Post-Child: "Sitting back and waiting makes for unhappy everyone. It is constant walking forward and learning for everyone."

Really the biggest thing I have learned is that everything is to point me back to Christ. All the other stuff is just there to show me that. All these little things that make me laugh about the before Karina. Like any other person who isn't married or doesn't have kids I had a picture of what it would like and life is nothing like that picture. It is better. We are real and struggle and make mistakes, sometimes big ones. I get to watch my family grow and turn to Jesus. Nothing is more amazing then when a grumpy sinful little girl comes up and repents on her own accord. Nothing more beautiful than watching your kids sing out to Jesus. Nothing more special than a snuggle for any reason. We are not perfect but we are family and we belong to Christ.

Abby's Story 6-12months.

2010-05-09T16:30:00.000-07:00

These were perhaps the most difficult months I have been through with Abby. We went back to the cardiologist for a check-up. Everything was pretty much the same. We went to her pediatrician and Abby was losing weight and we didn't know why. We were sent to another round of specialists. Abby also had developed a diaper rash that was so bad she would scream every time her diaper was changed. None of the doctors could figure out why she was losing weight.

Then Abigail stopped sleeping. I mean she literally stopped. Olivia wasn't a good sleeper and still woke up once during the night. Abby was on the same course as Olivia. She went from sleeping a few hours at a time to sleeping two-four hours total in a 24 hour period. She would usually only sleep if I was holding her sitting-up. Every time I layed her down to cry it out she would throw-up everywhere. I don't remember much from this time. I felt raw and spent of all I was. I didn't know what to do. Everything about her was challenging me and my ability to hold on to control. She seemed fine. She was always happy and smiling. Every person who found out how much she slept was shocked she seemed like a baby who slept through the night. This went on until about 9-10months.

At this point Abby has seen six specialists for different areas that needed to be checked. We were at monthly weight checks and tried every diaper rash cream the doctor had. I remember feeling like I was failing her and everyone else. I thought I was never going to be able to handle this parenting thing. I was stuck. I was living with the thought that I could lose my baby at any moment. She was in constant pain and never slept.

Abby was also clearly behind at this point. She could sit up but no attempts for crawling or walking were ever made. She only said "Dada" "No" "Mama"(Which was in reference to women not me.)